Ray and Ben undressed quietly, even a little awkwardly, each man hoping the other wouldn't notice how nervous he was. They shot hungry glances at each other as their clothes came off, both feeling they'd been apart for years instead of just four months.
Ray watched eagerly as Fraser quietly took off his uniform jacket. No, tunic, he corrected himself, smiling as he recalled the Mountie's precision with words. Ben was neat and precise about everything except his feelings for him, anyway. Fraser had taken a hell of a chance being with him before; and he was taking even more of one now, in his willingness to be with him again after he'd treated him badly. Thinking of that while he watched him hang his tunic neatly over the back of a bedroom chair, Ray was deeply touched, and glad that Ben had taken another chance on him. He'd missed his prissy neatness, missed everything about him so much... "Been a long time, huh, Ben?" he asked softly.
Fraser nodded. "Yes."
"Speakin' o' that..." Ray took a deep breath, not sure of how to say this without telling Ben about Rylan, without giving things away that he still didn't want Ben to know. But he had to say it, it was too important not to. "Uh, I guess I should tell ya... when I was in the hospital, I had an AIDS test. I'm clean," he said, careful not to mention any names, any specific reasons why he might not've been. But he knew Ben would put two and two together anyway, that he'd know he'd been with someone else while they were apart. Ray held his breath.
Ben went still for a second. Ray watched him closely, but he turned away, so he couldn't see his expression. "Thank you for telling me," was all he said. His voice was quiet, revealing nothing.
Ray let it go. It was clear that, while Ben must've drawn his own conclusions, he wasn't going to quiz him about them. Relieved, Ray pulled his shirt off, then unfastened the brace he'd been wearing around his ribs, and tossed it onto the floor with a sigh of relief. He rubbed absently at the spots on his chest where it had chafed his skin for a moment. But he dropped his hands when he noticed that Ben was staring at him. He smiled nervously. "Damn thing itches," he explained, wondering what Ben was thinking. He wanted to walk over and take him in his arms again, but the Mountie's intent gaze suddenly made him remember how he looked. That his head was bandaged and his torso covered with fading yellow and purple bruises and a gunshot scar.
Maybe he doesn't wanna make love to a guy who looks like he just went ten rounds with a heavyweight, and lost. He'd been so fixated on seducing Ben that he'd forgotten how banged up he still was, and it embarrassed him. He knew Ben had been aroused before when they danced, but maybe seeing his battered body uncovered now was turning him off. "Umm... you okay about this, Frase?" he asked nervously. "I know I'm all messed up. So if yer -- turned off, ya know... If ya don't want to, it's okay," he said.
Ray tried to smile, but Fraser could see worry lurking behind it, a fear of rejection.
He was both surprised and touched. He hadn't realized Ray felt embarrassed about his appearance, or he wouldn't have stared at him so openly. "No, Ray, it's not that," he said hastily, to reassure him.
If Ray had only known how terribly lonely and love starved he'd been since their breakup, he wouldn't have doubted himself. Seeing his normally tough, energetic partner quiet and vulnerable touched Ben's heart. It awakened a strong sense of protectiveness, of tenderness in him, that deepened his desire to painful levels. Ray's thinness, his slightly weakened condition, only heightened his appeal. He'd been longing to make love to him ever since he first saw him again and now that they were alone, and Ray had started to undress, that need had intensified. When Ray took his brace off and rubbed at his chest, his long, slender fingers brushing a nipple, his mouth went dry. The fact that Ray clearly had no idea what the innocent gesture had done to him only made it even more erotic. "You're not unattractive, Ray," he added, trying to be helpful despite his maddening desire. "No. Not at all."
That was the understatement of the year. He was convinced that, even in the midst of his torrid affair with Victoria, he had never found her as incredibly alluring as Ray was to him now, despite his scars. When Ray took off his rib brace and bared his torso, though his skin had regained its usual healthy color, Fraser could see that it bore numerous large, fading bruises and a raw-looking scar from his gunshot wound.
But Fraser didn't see his still-healing wounds as ugly. To him, they were evidence of Ray's courage, his strength, of the fact that he'd survived a vicious attack that would've killed most people. To him, they were the marks of a warrior; and he honored them. They didn't diminish Ray's natural grace, either. He was sleek, slender but muscular, like a thoroughbred or a greyhound. His slim dancer's body, with its hairless, muscular chest and brown nipples, aroused Ben instantly. Remembering the salty-sweet taste of those nipples, the way they'd once hardened under his tongue, he was half out of his mind with desire.
But despite his reassurance, Ray still looked hesitant. Though he stood close to him, he didn't try to touch him or kiss him again. Fraser realized that he hadn't convinced him of his desire, but he didn't know what else to say, and frustration made it even worse. Talking about his feelings had always been excruciatingly hard for him, and never more so than now, when he wanted to make love, not talk.
He would have needed the gifts of a poet to put all that he felt for Ray into words: to tell him that bruised and bandaged as he was, with his blue eyes shadowed with pain and uncertainty, he was still beautiful to him. So beautiful that he wanted to hold him forever, to take his pain away into himself, put his body in between Ray and the world, so no one could ever hurt him again... To say that he longed to touch him but was half afraid to because Ray might've changed, because he might ask him to do things that he found repugnant. And how could he tell Ray that he was just as afraid of himself? Afraid that he might devour him if he put his hands on him, because his hunger was so overwhelming. How could he admit that he was terrified he might hurt Ray by mistake, in his passion, and make him go away again?
Part of him wanted to say all that, wanted to make Ray understand his feelings, but the hunger inside him didn't care. That towering hunger just wanted Ray, wanted him here. Now. Without further delay, without any more kisses or foreplay or words.
Ray eyed him worriedly. "You okay, Frayzh?"
Ben searched his increasingly sexually obsessed mind for something rational to say, that would reassure his partner. "Yes. I'm just... a little worried -- about hurting you, I guess," he blurted at last.
Ray grinned. "Izzat all? Promise I won't break. Come on, Ben," he teased. He shifted a little on his feet, did a quick little bob and weave, even pretended to jab at his chin as if they were sparring. "Come get me. Boom, boom! Mmm! I'm ready for ya."
Despite Ray's cocky grin and posture, Fraser doubted that. He very much doubted that Ray could've withstood his mad, consuming desire when he was at his best, let alone now, in his weakened condition. Considering his injuries, he was surprised Ray could even move so swiftly. Though he hadn't seemed stiff or in pain when they'd danced earlier, or when he'd pulled his shirt over his head, he suspected that he might not be as fully recovered as he was pretending to be. After all, just over a week ago, his hands had been too weak to hold a cup of water. So throwing those rapid mock punches might've hurt him a little. But he was touched that Ray wanted him so much that he'd pretend they hadn't.
So he gave in to his raging desire for a moment, and reached out to caress him. Surely one touch won't hurt him, he told himself, drawing his fingers gently down Ray's cheekbone to the edge of his mouth. But the force of his own feelings shook him once again. He realized that this was the first time he'd ever touched Ray's face when he was clean shaven, his customary beard stubble temporarily gone. The unaccustomed smoothness of the freshly shaven skin on his cheeks was very erotic. A new aspect of Ray -- intriguing. How would it taste? Feel under his tongue? The instant his fingers touched that newly shaven skin, Ray's cheek muscle jumped in response, and Ben wanted to take him. Possess him.
He would've drawn back then, but Ray wouldn't let him.
Kowalski caught his wrist and held it, turned his cheek into it so that his fingers brushed his mouth. Then he kissed them, his face taut. "Please, Benny Ben," he said hoarsely. "Don't tease me..." He pulled his palm to his mouth and kissed it, touching the center with his warm tongue.
Fraser was taken by surprise. The caress sent a flash up his arm and through his entire body, like a jolt of electricity. Combined with Ray's use of his pet name and the hot look in his eyes, it threatened to overwhelm his control. Desire swept over him like fire. Despite his intention to take things slowly, he shivered, his cock hardening instantly. He hadn't lost his fear or his need to protect Ray, but those emotions were rapidly being pushed aside by the enormity of his desire. "I'm not teasing you, Ray," he tried to say, but his voice came out hoarse, more like a croak.
He knew he should pull back, take his hand away, but he didn't. Instead, he raised the one Ray had taken captive, and traced a finger over his lips. They parted eagerly, and as their gazes locked, Ray sucked three of Ben's fingers into his mouth, just like he had the morning after they'd first made love. His blue eyes hot and tempting, he sucked them hard, as if he were daring Ben to try to tell him again that the gesture was meaningless. Daring him to lie, or to turn away from him again.
Ben couldn't. That caress got to him like nothing else could have. It tipped his growing desire over the edge into uncontrollable need. Suddenly, he wanted to crush Ray in his arms, wanted to take him with an urgency that stole his breath. Wanted to make love to him no matter what the consequences might be for both of them. Deep inside, he felt a primitive desire to take Ray so passionately that he would never leave him again as Victoria had, as everyone he'd ever loved had. This time, he wasn't going to let Ray get away. He pulled his hand away, wrapped his arms around Ray and lowered his head.
Much to Ray's surprise, his first break in his plan to seduce Fraser came before they'd even finished undressing, let alone gotten into the shower. Ben suddenly reached out and tentatively touched his face, and Ray seized the moment. Taking that strong, square hand in his, he turned it over and planted a hot, lingering kiss on its palm. But as usual when he was trying to seduce Ben, the move backfired on him. He was trying to drive Ben crazy, but doing it to himself instead, because even that little bit of contact made him ache. And he wondered what Ben meant by touching him. Was he trying to reach out to him this time, or was he going to pull away again? He's drivin' me fuckin' crazy, blowin' hot and cold like this. As he held onto Ben's hand tightly, somehow the plea, "Don't tease me," tumbled out of his mouth. He heard himself breathing hard as he waited for his answer.
"I'm not teasing you," the Mountie said, and his voice was a husky near-whisper.
Yes! Ray exulted secretly. He knew that tone: Ben was getting turned on too, whether he wanted to be or not. Perfect. That made him even bolder. Remembering the first time they'd made love, he drew three of Ben's fingers into his mouth and suckled them. He looked Ben right in the eye while he did it, used his gaze, his tongue, and his hungry mouth to tell him that this time he wouldn't let him turn away, or push him away with lies. This time was for keeps.
Ben stared at him for a second, his eyes wide with stunned surprise as he gave his fingers a long, gentle, sexy scrape with his teeth. Then he finally broke. All at once, without a word, he pulled Ray close and kissed him. Hard, demandingly, forcing his lips apart and going deep with his tongue, fusing their bodies tightly together with his big, strong hands. Gone was the shy, anxious Ben of a few minutes ago and in his place was a wild man who forced his mouth open wide and sucked at his tongue, groaning.
'Kay, Tiger Man -- pounce me! Ray thought, delighted.
As if he could read his mind, Ben pulled him so tightly against his chest that Ray could feel the hammering of his heart. His fingers dug into Ray's back; his larger frame enveloped Kowalski's slighter one. Ray moaned aloud at the sudden, unexpected, complete possession of his body and mouth. Excitement spiked through him like a drug as he kissed Ben back. He loved the taste of his mouth, that sweet, distinctive, delicious Ben-flavor. The heat and strength of his big body. This is what I've been wantin'. What I need. This. You.
Ben spread his hands out over his back, pulling him even closer. Then he raised one and ran it through Ray's hair, his fingers massaging the blond detective's scalp, making it tingle. But before Ray could do more than sigh with pleasure, Ben's hands were moving again. This time, they cupped his head, turned it towards Ben so he could kiss down his cheek, along his jaw, where he'd shaved off his beard. They held him still while he licked the newly shaven, sensitive skin until Ray's breathing got ragged.
Who the hell woulda thought that'd feel so good? Oh, yeah! There, right there--
But Ben didn't stop there. Next, he dipped his tongue into the tiny hole on Ray's earlobe where his earring had been. He fastened on it, licked and even bit the spot gently. Ray knew instinctively that Ben was investigating him, seeing what had changed about his body while they were apart and tasting those changes. Maybe even claiming them, and him. Another weird thing he never would've thought of, that was so Fraser-like, and so erotic, that he gasped.
Trust him to know just where to lick oh, damn -- and bite--
Ben soothed the tiny hurt with his warm tongue, breathing hard. "Oh, Ray," he whispered in his ear, his voice shaky. "I missed you so!"
"Missed you -- too," Ray panted, not even trying to pretend Ben wasn't getting to him. Not that pretending would've done him any good, considering the big bulge that had formed in the front of his pants the second Ben put his hands on him...
Then he couldn't talk anymore, because his mouth was once again taken. Claimed breathlessly. Ben plundered it, thrusting his tongue deep, breathing raggedly. Ray did his best to match him thrust for thrust with his tongue. Missed ya, missed ya and God, I missed this!
Then Ben surprised him again. With a hungry moan, he reached down, took Ray's legs in his hands and lifted them off the floor, wrapping them around his waist. Pressing their groins together.
Ray could feel how hard he was. Suspended in Ben's embrace, he groaned helplessly. His bruised legs protested the maneuver, but at the same time, he was intensely excited by it, by the masterful way Ben had taken control of their lovemaking. By the way he was holding him suspended in his arms. He'd never done anything like that to him before, and it aroused him so that he clung even tighter to Ben while they kissed. Disregarding his sore muscles, he wrapped his legs around him and squeezed him with his thighs.
Fraser's next move was even better. He walked over to his bed, keeping them pressed tightly together as he moved. Ray's heart turned over. Oh man, he thought, he's carryin' me! Ben's big hands supported him, and he never stopped kissing him for a second. Ray loved it. It was the most romantic thing anyone had ever done to him. For him. He'd carried Stella in his arms a few times, and Rylan had carried him like a sack of potatoes after he'd knocked him out that terrible night but this was totally different. He'd never imagined making love with someone big enough, and strong enough, to carry him gently like this. But Ben held him easily, like he didn't weigh anything, and that evidence of his strength was an added thrill. Okay, now I've died and gone to heaven...
When they reached his bed, Ben tipped him backwards, plunging them both down onto it without ever breaking their deep kiss. This is even better than my dreams! Ray thought as they fell. This is greatness.
But when Ray landed on his back with Fraser's solid weight on top of him, his still-healing ribs throbbed painfully. He turned his head away and broke their kiss. "Wait," he mumbled.
But Fraser didn't stop. He transferred his hungry mouth to Ray's throat, biting and sucking at it so passionately that Ray's cock stiffened instantly, in spite of his pain. When Ben's fingers found his nipples and began rubbing them, Ray gasped sharply. "Oh, God!" he moaned, shaking.
Fraser was lost. He felt wild, feverish, out of control. He knew he shouldn't be doing this, that he might hurt Ray, that he was going too fast, but he couldn't stop. Being with Ray was intoxicating, headier than any drug he could imagine. He loved everything about him: his slender, slighter body, which fit so perfectly in his arms. His tangy, masculine scent, the fierce strength of his embrace, so different from that of a woman. Kowalski was so beautiful, he had to take him. He knew it was wrong, that Ray wasn't ready, but he couldn't let go of him. Couldn't stop kissing him. Now that he'd tasted Ray, held him, nothing could hold him back. He wanted to tear the rest of his clothes off. Was going to, he knew it. Somewhere deep inside, he wished that Ray would stop him. Be strong, when he couldn't be. Don't let me do this, he wanted to tell him. Tell me to stop. Don't let me...
But that wasn't what came out of his mouth. Somehow, what he heard himself saying instead, as he bit lightly at the strong arch of Ray's throat, was, "Let me, let me! Please, Ray, let me..."
"Let me," Ben moaned desperately. Kissing, biting, licking him. "Please, Ray, let me"
"Oh, yeah. Do it!" Ray urged, breathless. Now he knew Ben wasn't just being polite when he'd said he still wanted him. He'd never heard Ben beg for anything before. Ever. It meant that he didn't just want him, he was hot to have him. Desperate for it. What a rush! He'd meant to push him off a bit, to take the weight off his sore ribs and slow things down a little, but when he heard Ben begging to take him, all thought of restraint went out of his head. He'd been lonely for so long, but now he was with Ben again, was finally where he belonged, and nothing else mattered. He felt just as wild, as out of control as the Mountie was. Suddenly, he didn't care if it hurt. He didn't care if it killed him he had to have him. Now. No more waiting.
As Fraser kissed down his neck, he clutched at his shoulders, panting. Babbling. Urging him on. "Kiss me, Ben. Like that. Oh yeah. Do me!"
Ben made a hungry sound deep in his throat, almost like the growl of a wolf, as he kissed his chest. Ray just smiled. If this is how it feels gettin' devoured by a wild animal, it's fine by me.
Ben bent his beautiful dark head to Ray's left nipple. His mouth covered it, hot, wet and eager. Ray shivered. As Ben sucked on the tiny nub, making it hard, he moaned, "You feel good, Benny Ben. So good!" He buried his hands in the thick, silky mass of Ben's hair, loving the feel of it after so long. His whole body filled with heat, ached with pleasure at the touch of Ben's mouth on his nipple. It was overwhelming, all that ecstasy surging through him from that one tiny spot on his chest. Stunning. It blinded him to everything else. A SWAT team could've burst through the door at that moment, and he wouldn't have noticed. He arched upwards instinctively, wanting more; and if the move hurt his ribs, he was too far gone to feel it. As Ben moved lower, kissing down his body, he pumped his hips up towards his mouth, so excited that he hardly knew what he was saying. "Go on. Fuck me! Please! I want you to--"
Ray felt Ben's hands at his fly, popping the button on his jeans open, tearing at his zipper while he kissed and licked at his abdomen. Then he started pulling his jeans down, tugging hard, his fingers strong and impatient. When those fingers suddenly dug into a bruise on his hip, Ray gasped a little. But it didn't stop the wild rush of excitement pouring through him. After what Rylan had done to him, that was nothing. Besides, he knew Ben hadn't meant to hurt him. So he just laid there, biting his lip, almost vibrating with desire as he waited for Ben to do him--
But suddenly, Fraser froze. With his lips pressed to Ray's stomach, his hands gripping his jeans, he froze.
"Ben?" Ray panted, painfully aroused. Wanting him to go on.
Ben shuddered, and made a strangled little sound like he was choking. He lifted his head, stopped his exciting kisses, and stared down at him in dismay.
Ray felt bereft. Oh shit, he thought, alarmed. "What'sa matter?"
"I just -- I can't," Fraser whispered, his eyes wide and dark. He finally looked up at him, and Ray saw that his face was twisted with anguish. "God, Ray," he said. "What am I doing?" He sat up slowly. He looked flushed, almost wild-eyed, like someone who'd just woke up from a nightmare and found that reality was even scarier.
"Me!" Ray breathed, confused. "Don't stop!"
But Ben just shook his head. Traced the bruise he'd inadvertently poked with an unsteady finger. "I have to," he said. "This isn't right."
Ray couldn't believe it. "Don't say that," he moaned. "Do not say that to me! Of course it's right -- it's PERFECT!" After all, he was on his bed, half naked, his jeans down past his hips, his whole body throbbing from Ben's hot kisses, his cock so hard that it ached. He was finally where he'd been dreaming of for months, on the verge of being fucked into happy oblivion by his beloved Mountie. And Ben had to pick NOW to get cold feet?
"No," Ben said.
Ray rolled his eyes. He'd hit the wall, the familiar wall of Fraser's Mountie stubbornness. When he got like that, there was no getting past it. He lay there fuming, almost unbearably disappointed. "You can't DO that! I was this close!" he groaned. "That's torture, that's -- there's laws against doin' that!"
Fraser shot him a look.
"Okay, well maybe there aren't. But there oughtta be!" he growled. What the hell was the matter with Fraser? What was he doing, trying to kill him?
Fraser didn't explain. He just rolled off of him and turned his back. Crossed his arms over his chest and pinned his hands under them as if he didn't trust them.
Ray didn't know whether to laugh or cry. He didn't understand why Ben was doing this, and as usual, the Mountie wasn't talking. He'd always been like that. He'd talk your ear off about boring crap you never wanted to know, but trying to get important stuff out of him was like pulling teeth. His frustration soared at the Canadian's silence. "You gonna tell me what the hell this is all about?" he snapped.
For a moment, Fraser was silent. Then he shot him a sideways glance, waved a hand at him. "Look at you!" he grated. "You're covered with bruises."
"I know that," he shot back impatiently. "But ya told me before that they didn't gross ya out. So what's the problem?"
Ben set his jaw. "They don't, as you said, 'gross me out.' They do, however, suggest that you should still be in the hospital! I shouldn't have let your doctor release you"
Ray's confusion increased. "What? You shouldn't have that wasn't up to you!" he shot back, so frustrated he was seeing red. Fraser was acting bossy all of a sudden. Treating him like a maroon, like he was too dumb to run his own life. He knew he wasn't as smart as the Mountie, never would be, but he hated having Fraser wave that in his face. Especially now, when they were supposed to be making love, not testing brain capacity. "That was my decision! MINE! Not yers," he insisted. "And what the hell does when I got outta the hospital have to do with this, anyway? Ya sayin' ya think I made a mistake leavin' so soon? That I'm some kinda idiot?"
"No, Ray," Fraser said. "I'm not trying to say that you made a mistake. I'm trying to tell you that I just did. That I shouldn't have touched you! Let alone--" He hung his head, falling silent again, but he'd said enough.
Ray sat up slowly, with a little involuntary wince as his muscles protested the recent strain. Suddenly, he got what Ben was trying to tell him. He wasn't criticizing his judgment, but his own. He remembered he'd said earlier that he was afraid of hurting him. Now he thinks he did. He let me go just when things were gettin' really hot cuz he had an attack of the guilts. Musta' seen a bruise he didn't know about, and he freaked. His Dudley Do-Right conscience just popped up and kicked him in the head. It was probably yelling at him even now, telling him that he'd just about raped a helpless little invalid: namely, him.
What a crock! Ray snorted to himself. He knew his friend's enormous capacity for guilt, and he wasn't about to let him put on a hair shirt now, just when things were finally getting hot and heavy, like he'd wanted. But he told himself that screaming at Ben wasn't going to help things. So he took a deep breath, and turned down the volume. "So ya got a little excited," he said in a softer voice. He shrugged. "Hell, I did too! We haven't been together for awhile, ya know. That's only human."
But his words didn't help. Fraser just shook his head. He still wouldn't look at him.
Ray tried again. "Hey! I toldja' to come get me, and ya did. You were just doin' what I asked ya to, Frayzh," he pointed out. "And ya didn't hurt me. So don't freak out, okay?" He laid a hand on his shoulder, but Ben pulled away.
"No. Don't." Ben got to his feet and moved away blindly.
Ray got up too. He didn't like the way this was going. It was starting to get serious. He knew how bad Ben always took it when he lost control like it was the end of the world or something. And right now he looked all pale and shaky, like he'd just committed a murder and couldn't figure out where to hide the gun. And all he'd done was touch one of his bruises by accident. Jeez! Ray figured he'd have to nip this thing in the bud, or Ben would take off running and never come back. He moved around in front of him, so he'd have to look at him. "Listen," he said firmly. "It's okay. I said, ya didn't hurt me. You get that? So what's the problem?"
Ben just looked grim. "I am. I should leave. I should never have come here."
Fraser was really freaking out. Ray's heart sank. Dammit, I'm gonna lose him. Again. He shook his head. "Don't say that!" he said vehemently. "Don't! I want you here. Want you in my bed."
"No, Ray."
He sounded so final that Ray felt even worse. "Oh come on, Frazyh!" he pleaded. "Don't get all stubborn on me"
"I'm not being stubborn!" Fraser said.
And I thought Mounties couldn't lie. "The hell yer not!" Ray snapped back, desperation turning to anger.
Ben looked at him with the same emotion simmering in his blue gaze. "You're not being fair, Ray."
He widened his eyes at him. "ME? I'M not bein' fair? YOU'RE the one who said, 'Ray, let me,' then backed out while I was lettin' you!"
Fraser grimaced, flushing a little. "I know. And I'm sorry, but I'm doing this for your sake, Ray. Don't you understand?"
"No, I don't!" he yelled. "One minute, we're goin' at it, we're gettin' into it and don't tell me you weren't too, Fraser, cuz I know you were -- then the next minute, you do this total about face, and you wanna leave! What's up with that? That's not bein' a buddy, that's not even fair! HOW IS THAT GONNA HELP ME?"
Ben closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, he looked down at his feet. "I'm sorry, but I can't... do this," he grated. "I can't -- control myself with you. Look what I just did! I hurt you"
"No ya didn't! Wanna let me be the judge o' that? I'm tellin' ya, that was nothin'! It was an accident. Don't you get it?" he asked fiercely. "The only way you can hurt me is if you leave!"
Fraser swallowed hard, and turned away from him again. He didn't say anything, and for a second, Ray hoped he'd finally won him over. But then he went to the chair where he'd hung his shirt and jacket, and picked up his shirt again without a word. Ray's heart gave an anxious skip. Ben hadn't listened to him. He was going to get dressed again, was going to cover that gorgeous body up again and then split. He was going to leave him.
And Ray wasn't sure that he'd ever come back. If Fraser left on a sour note like this, in the middle of an argument, he might just decide not to. Might decide that Stanley Raymond Kowalski was a pain in the ass. An idiot. More trouble than he was worth.
Fear shot through him. He went after him. "Come on, Frayzh. Don't go," he grated. "Please." He was beyond pleading now and into begging. He knew it, and he didn't even care. He would've gone down on his knees, if he'd thought it would make Ben stay. He knew what it was like to live without him now. He knew, and he'd hated it. It had almost killed him. And if he went away again, all that pain, all that darkness would come back. This time, Ray wasn't sure he'd survive it.
So when Ben pulled his T-shirt over his head, his fear deepened to near panic.
He reached out for him, then pulled his hand back at the last second. Then reached out again. He wanted to grab his arm, but was afraid that force would just increase Ben's resistance. So he held onto a fold of his T-shirt instead. Held on tight, as he heard himself babbling. "I won't try to make love to you again, I swear... Ya don't even haveta kiss me if ya don't wanna. Just don't leave me. Please don't."
As their argument grew more heated, Fraser began to feel enormous pressure building inside him. His body was taut, still aroused from making love to Ray, still aching for him. And their arguing only made that worse. He felt stiff, like he might shatter with a touch. But he couldn't let Ray touch him, because he couldn't trust himself. His worst fears had been realized. As soon as he'd touched Ray, he'd lost his head. He hadn't been gentle, he'd pounced on him like some kind of savage. He'd hurt him
He was losing all control.
It reminded him of how he'd been with Victoria, and that made him feel sick. He started to hear a roaring in his head, that drowned out Ray's voice. At first he thought it was another memory of her, returning with painful clarity: the loud sound of a train pulling out of a station with her on board, taking away his only hope of love...
Then he realized it was the sound of his own fear. And that he felt it for the same reason: he was losing his love for the second time.
Ray kept saying, "Don't, don't, don't go," but Fraser knew he had to leave. He reached for his clothes, knowing only the frantic need to get away. To get out of there before he did further damage. Before he hurt Ray any more than he already had. Before he exploded from the conflicting pressures inside him. From wanting Ray, but not being able to take him because his need was so intense that he couldn't control it.
Ray started pulling at his sleeve. Tugging at a fold in his T-shirt, as if he wanted to make physical contact but didn't dare grab him. Ben glanced over his shoulder and saw his lips moving frantically. And he looked so anxious that he made an effort to hear past the tumult in his head, to comprehend what he was saying.
"ya just dunno how I get. It's like bein' dead or somethin'! I can't do it!"
"What are you talking about, Ray?"
"When Stella left, I went nuts. Decided to be Vecchio, cuz it was better, anythin' was better than bein' me! And I tried bein' Ko too, but it didn't work. Pat ended up dead, cuz I couldn't make it work!"
Ben was confused. Ray was talking so fast he almost couldn't follow it, babbling almost incoherently about his past. About Stella and Rylan and the fact that he'd tried (unsuccessfully) to be someone named Ko. It didn't make much sense. All he could gather from the frenzied stream of words pouring from his would-be lover's mouth was that he sounded scared and that he still blamed himself for Patrick Rylan's death.
"Finn and Olson killed Rylan, Ray," he said firmly, because he was sure of that, at least. "It wasn't your fault."
He's right to feel afraid, though, Ben thought, guilty. Only the person he should be frightened of is me. He was still more afraid of hurting Ray if he stayed than if he left. So after a momentary hesitation, he reached out for his tunic again.
Ray finally touched him then. Gripped his arm hard, his fingers digging into his biceps. Holding him back. "What I'm sayin' is, I can't make it alone, Ben. Nothin' works without you! Not even my dreamcatcher. Without you, I had nightmares, I couldn't dance, I wasn't even bein' a good cop. It's like the only way I can be me is with you."
Fraser wavered. He could feel himself being persuaded, relenting because of the intensity of Kowalski's need for him and his own desire to fill that need. He reminded himself one last time that he was leaving for Ray's own good. That Ray would be better off without him. He forced himself to say, "That's silly, Ray. You lived on your own for many years without me. Quite capably, I might add. You're a more than competent detective, you have several citations for bravery--" He stopped himself. He meant the words to be reassuring, but they sounded cold instead.
Ray must've thought so too, because he suddenly put his arms around him from behind, his wiry body clinging in a desperate embrace. "Doesn't matter," he muttered against the back of his shoulder. "I never told anybody this, but all my life, I felt... lost inside. Not good enough. Like a loser, ya know?"
Fraser did know. Those words wrung his heart. He knew how that felt all too well. From the time he was a boy, he'd known what it was to be lost. He'd had no mother, a father who was hardly ever there... And he'd known, even as a small boy, that it was somehow his fault. That if he'd been better, smarter, more perfect, his mother wouldn't have died, and his father wouldn't have stayed away. He had tried to be good, to be perfect, tried all his life, oh, how he had tried! But despite all that, he was still flawed. Still lustful and selfish and far from perfect. But he'd never realized that Ray, the product of a normal upbringing with two parents, nonetheless shared those feelings of imperfection. That his insecurity went that deep. It touched a chord deep inside him, froze him where he stood.
"The only time I was ever happy was when I was with Stella. Then with you," Ray went on in a low voice. "But with you, it was better. Nobody ever touched me like you did. Did to me what you do. Nobody, not even her. With you, it was like comin' home. I never knew it could be like that "
Ray's voice trailed off on a note of wonder that melted Fraser's determination to leave. It stunned him to hear that he had touched Ray's body, maybe even his heart, in ways that even his own wife never had. How could that be? She had been with Ray far longer than he, and he knew she had loved him. The tenderness in her kiss at the hospital that day had been unmistakable. Could it be that she had nonetheless somehow taken him for granted? Or perhaps not seen deeply enough into him to give him what he needed? From Ray's words, it would seem so.
Was it possible that he was the one who could give Ray what he needed? That he could fill the same empty space inside Ray that Ray filled inside him? "With you, it was like comin' home." No one had ever said anything like that to him before. No one, not even Victoria. And being with Ray was like that for him, too. Like finding the home he'd always wanted, but had never known. Getting the love and acceptance he had always craved; and knowing that his love and acceptance meant just as much to Ray.
Emotion rose in his throat and choked him so that he couldn't speak. His fingers crushed the red serge of his tunic, which he'd somehow held onto throughout all of this, so tightly that it hurt.
Ray seemed to take his silence as a bad sign. His fingers dug into him even harder. "If you go, I got nothin'," he whispered. "Please, Ben -- please!"
He felt Ray's heart beating an anxious tattoo against his back, heard the fear and loneliness underlying his disjointed words, but still, he couldn't speak. Couldn't decide what to do. How can I leave him? That would be cruel. But after what I just did to him, how can I stay?
Unable to determine what would be the lesser of two evils, Fraser hesitated, paralyzed by uncharacteristic indecision. He longed to stay, but was afraid to. Despite Ray's need for him, and his deep love for Ray, he couldn't forget what he'd just done. Ray was weak, he'd been injured, he'd almost died just two weeks ago! Yet he'd just thrown him on his bed and almost raped him. Ray had tried to tell him to stop, but he'd been so filled with hunger, so mad for him that he couldn't wait. Despite his injuries, he'd kissed him roughly, and ground their bodies together, heedless of Ray's mending ribs. He'd hurt him so much that Ray had gasped out loud. Yet he was still begging him to stay. Why? How could Ray want him when he was capable of such acts?
Is this what he learned from his dead partner? To enjoy being abused? The thought turned Fraser's stomach.
But he abruptly realized, with a sense of shame, that he was no better. That perhaps the same loneliness that had driven Ray into an affair with Rylan was what had made him cruel. Because it had been so long since he'd touched Ray, since he'd kissed him, smelled his scent, that once he was in his arms again, he'd lost all control. Gone temporarily mad with lust, despite his best intentions, and manhandled him. He'd just treated Ray as selfishly, as sadistically as Patrick Rylan used to. He hadn't been gentle, hadn't tried to please him, he'd just taken without thought. And he still wanted Ray that much. He knew it, because despite his disgust at his own misbehavior, when Ray put his arms around him, the muscles in his abdomen quivered at his touch.
But that isn't all that I feel. That isn't even the half of it. He clung to that thought. Lust was only a small part of what he felt for Ray nor was that all he could give to him.
"The only way I can be me is with you... With you, it was like comin' home."
Those words were the key. They echoed in his mind, and slowly, an answer arose from the confusion inside him. If loneliness had made them both a little crazy, then maybe the only thing to do was to stay, and end their loneliness once and for all. To rise above his animal instincts and petty resentments, for Ray's sake. Maybe he couldn't be perfect, but he could do his best for him. He could do that by loving Ray with all his heart and soul, in spite of everything. By filling Ray's empty spaces, and letting Ray fill his. So neither of them would ever be so lonely that they'd do desperate things, ever again.
He could make a home for Ray in his heart; and let Ray be his home as well.
Wasn't that what he'd always wanted? What he'd been looking for all his life? For someone to need him like this? No one who he'd loved in his whole life had ever really needed him: not his mother, his father, and certainly not Victoria Metcalf or Ray Vecchio. Though he'd loved them all, they hadn't needed his strength, his affection to make them whole, like Ray Kowalski did. Hadn't he dreamed of finding someone who would love him so much that he'd see the best in him, and overlook the worst, as Ray was?
He dropped his tunic at last. "All right, Ray," he said gently. "I won't leave you." Ever, he promised himself silently.
Ray heaved an enormous sigh, his desperate grip relaxing at last. "Okay. Good," he murmured.
Ben felt the terrible tension in his body ebb away, but Ray didn't leave him. Didn't let go. He kept on hugging him, even patted his chest gently, as if he were trying to convey a gratitude he couldn't put into words. That felt so wonderful that even though Fraser knew he should let him go, he didn't. He put his hands on top of Ray's and held them, suddenly feeling an enormous tenderness for him, an awareness of his vulnerability, and a renewed sense of responsibility for him. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "For what I did just now." He knew that was no excuse, but he had to start somewhere. Start over again, and do things right this time. "I didn't mean to hurt you, Ray."
He lifted one of Ray's hands to his mouth and kissed it, as tender now as he'd been rough before.
Ray let go of him then. Turned him around so that they faced each other again. "I know that," he said, smiling a little. "Don'tcha think I know?" And in his face, in his voice, was the same tenderness that Fraser was feeling.
Home, Ben thought, deeply moved. He's my home. It made him feel humble and ashamed. Deeply ashamed that he hadn't treated Ray with more respect, with gentler hands. "But the fact remains that I did," he confessed. "I hurt you. I can't... trust myself."
Ray smiled, and touched his shoulder lightly. "'S'okay. I trust ya," he said simply.
And he did. Fraser saw it in his eyes, heard it in his voice. Despite the rough, selfish, unforgivable way he'd just behaved, Ray wasn't put off. Wasn't frightened of him. It was incredible. He was relieved, but he still needed to be certain why Ray felt that way. He stared at his bruised, bandaged face, into his long-lashed blue eyes, trying to decide if he was telling the truth or saying what he wanted to hear. He needed to be absolutely sure Ray wasn't overlooking what he'd done because he'd gotten used to being hurt.
But after a long moment, he decided that wasn't it. Ray's eyes were relieved, warm, and totally guileless. Hiding nothing. It seemed he was just overlooking his earlier roughness because he cared for him because he knew that he hadn't meant to do it, and that he wouldn't do it again, would never consciously hurt him. Relief swept over him at that realization. He had what he'd wanted most, what he'd feared had been destroyed by their recent separation: Ray's trust.
I want to be his home, too. I want it more than anything. He felt tears welling up in his eyes. He rubbed at them with the back of his hand. "You're sure you... want me to stay," he said at last.
"Yeah," came the instant answer. Ray's voice wasn't hesitant at all, and his blue eyes were rock steady. "Y-E-S, Ben. Yer what I want."
Each man saw home shining in the other's eyes, and they both smiled at the same instant.
Fraser was filled with emotion, with gratitude and love that he couldn't put into words. After a moment, he said hoarsely, "All right then." But despite the desire in his partner's eyes, he didn't move to hold Ray again. It was wonderful to know that Kowalski still trusted him, but he didn't trust himself yet. He needed a minute to recover from what he'd just done, to catch his breath and repair his tattered self control before he touched him again. "I think... I'd like to take that shower with you after all, Ray," he said slowly. "Would that be all right?"
"Sure," Ray nodded. "We can take our time. Do it right, ya know?" His blue eyes sparkled.
Fraser knew he wasn't referring to getting cleaned up. He felt a little smile tugging at the edges of his own mouth. "Yes. I think I know exactly what you mean."
Ray stripped off the rest of his clothes in record time. Despite their argument, after the heat he and Ben had just generated, he couldn't wait to really get it on with him. But something about Ben's silence as they finished undressing told him to back off. He could tell that he was still freaked that he'd gotten rough with him or at least, what Fraser thought was rough because he didn't try to kiss him again, or even touch him.
So Ray didn't try to touch him either. He just pulled off his jeans, boots and socks, and watched silently while Ben did the same. He was a little disappointed that Ben didn't even try to sneak a kiss, but he didn't say so. He had other things to be thankful for. Like the fact that Ben hadn't left him after all, despite the crazy things he'd said, the things he'd told him. Things he'd never told anyone else before, not even Stella.
All that stuff about him being a loser... Not that it wasn't true, but he knew it made him look really needy. Needy enough to send most people running in the opposite direction.
But not Ben. Ray had the funny feeling those words had somehow won his heart. That they were the reason he'd stayed. Because he'd opened himself up like that, not in spite of it. Because he'd told him how he felt. That he meant everything to him. That he trusted him, that he wasn't just another lover, he was everything. He was home to him. Maybe Ben needed that, as much as he did.
It seemed like it, because after he told him that, he saw something in Ben's eyes that he hadn't seen since they first had sex. Something like pure, shimmering happiness. Something that might've even been love.
Ray wanted to show him he felt the same way. Wanted to show him with his body, in the best way he knew how. He could hardly wait to do it. They'd come close there on his bed, so close that his body was still humming with excitement. He'd loved the way Ben had lost control, but since that'd scared him so badly he'd almost run away, if he needed to go slow now, he'd live with it. He could do slow, no problem. Hell, he'd been dreaming of that for months, of Fraser's patient, gentle way of driving him out of his mind. A time or two of that would do him more good than any of the pills the doctors had forced down his throat in the last week, that was for sure. Slow with Fraser was good.
Anything with Benny Ben was fine.
When Fraser finished taking off his clothes, he took Ray's hand in his gently, then headed silently for the shower. When they stepped inside, he reached over to turn on the water.
Ray turned to him eagerly. "Make it good and hot, okay?" he whispered, his breath warm in his ear as he kissed it.
Fraser wasn't sure if he was referring to the water or their intended lovemaking, but it didn't really matter. He turned on the hot water just in case, angled the shower head down so the water wouldn't hit them in the face, then put his hands gently on Ray's shoulders and kissed him carefully. Warm, soft kisses that caressed instead of demanded, that pressed Ray's lips apart just enough for him to trace them with his tongue, then pulled away again. As the shower spray streamed down his legs, he fed on the softness of his mouth again and again, and with each kiss, felt some of his faith in his self control returning. This was how he wanted to be with Ray: gentle and loving. This was how it should be...
It seemed that Ray felt that, too. "Mmm," he whispered, smiling. "That's nice. Come 'mere."
Ray pulled him a little closer. Fraser let him, trusting that Ray would tell him if something hurt him. Trusting that this time, he would listen -- because Ray believed he would. He even slipped his arms around him, loving the sensation of Ray's hard chest pressed against his again. Ray's lips were soft, warm, and wet from his kisses. Delicious.
But as they kissed, Fraser had a sudden, troubling mental image of Ray in Rylan's arms. He'd never seen Rylan, but he'd seen his picture in the paper after he was killed, and his dark good looks had haunted him. So his fertile imagination had no trouble putting Ray together with his exotic looking partner. He wasn't sure why it was doing so now: perhaps it was because he felt guilty about hurting Ray himself a moment ago, or perhaps it was just jealousy. But the timing of it frustrated him. Why did he have to think of Rylan now, when he was finally kissing Ray again?
Perversely, though he tried to banish it, the negative train of thought continued. Images of Ray kissing Rylan filled his mind. Thinking of the fading marks on Ray's slender wrists, and how Rylan must've put them there by clamping handcuffs on him and jerking them viciously, his jealousy simmered into anger.
He shuddered involuntarily. Uncomfortable with his dark thoughts, he broke their kiss and turned away from Ray, worried that his jealousy might show on his face. He didn't want anything to ruin their lovemaking this time, after they'd had so many false starts already.
But Ray knew something was up. "What's wrong?"
Fraser realized that he must be getting impatient with him, and for good reason. He'd pulled away from Ray's kisses once too often. Searching for an excuse for his latest withdrawal, he reached for the soap as if picking it up had been his intention all along. "Nothing. I just want to get clean," he said, knowing it was a lame excuse. But he was committed to it, so he began to soap up his chest, hoping it might at least distract him.
It certainly distracted Ray. As he lathered his upper body, the look in Ray's eyes changed from worry to open, avid hunger. He whispered, "Damn. I almost forgot how beautiful you are," and leaned forward to kiss him again, his mouth warm and eager. But even with Ray's mouth on his, Ben couldn't quite banish the thought of his other lover. In fact, the sensuality of Ray's kiss only increased his resentment that someone else had touched him, kissed him, tasted him like this.
Suddenly, Ben was swept by a feeling of pure, raw, primitive possessiveness. Earlier, he'd just wanted to make Ray his. Now, after his little mental movie of him kissing Rylan, he wanted more. He wanted to take him back from Rylan. He wanted to make Ray his and only his. It was more than a wish, it was a need, a compulsion so deep and powerful he couldn't ignore it. And to fulfill it, he'd have to wash away all traces of Rylan's touch from Ray's body. Soap him all over, from head to toe. So as soon as Ray broke their kiss, he laid the soap on his slender shoulder and started to rub it onto his skin.
"Oh. Yer gonna clean me up too, huh?" Ray smiled, unaware of his hidden motive.
"Yes," Fraser replied, his voice hoarse. He didn't dare say any more. After his shameful loss of control earlier, he didn't want to confess the dark need that drove him now. Ray might object if he did, and he needed to do this so badly he doubted he could even make love with him otherwise. And he needed that too, needed it desperately... So he swept the soap over Ray's chest, careful this time to avoid touching the areas where he was badly bruised. He used long, smooth, gentle strokes, hoping to disguise his need to reclaim his lover with the simple task of gently bathing him. Hoping that Ray would be aroused by his touch while he did it.
What better way, he thought, to make him forget all about Rylan?
As the Mountie started soaping up his shoulders, Ray wondered about Fraser's sudden obsession with getting clean. The Canadian's hands were gentle as usual, but Ray wondered what he was thinking about as he stroked the soap over his skin. Sex would've been the obvious answer, but Fraser looked too serious for that somehow. Not so much horny anymore but intent, like Ray was a puzzle he needed to figure out, and he could only do that if he was really clean.
Ray wasn't sure how he felt about that. He wanted Fraser to get excited, to get as aroused as he was. His cock had stiffened again at his first sight of Ben's beautiful, naked body, and it was getting harder as his hands guided the soap carefully over his bruised chest, brushed his nipples, then circled them slowly. He wasn't using a washcloth, just applying the soap directly to his skin, and somehow, that seemed erotic. Ray bit his lip as he watched it, incredibly aroused. He hadn't been this hard since... Well, not since they'd broken up. No one else could do this to him, for him, like Ben could. He loved him, and he wanted him so much he couldn't stand it. God, I need him. Need him so damn bad...
He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. Raised his hands and set them lightly on the Canadian's shoulders as Ben worked the soap across his belly. "Ben, umm... d'ya think we could skip the gettin' clean part for now?" he asked, only half joking. "'Cuz I'm not real good at waiting. And I'm already salutin' here"
Fraser shook his head instantly, almost vehemently. "No!"
Ray blinked, surprised at the intensity of his response. Not understanding it.
Ben lifted his head, as if he suddenly realized he'd reacted oddly. He looked embarrassed, but his tone was still insistent. "That is... I mean, I'd really like to do this, Ray. If you don't mind." He needed to. Ben didn't say it, but Ray heard it in his voice. Felt it in the hands that had paused, still holding the soap to his skin.
He suddenly felt a bit ashamed at his own selfishness. Fraser was trying to do something nice for him, maybe trying to make up for his unconscious roughness earlier, and he was in such a hurry to fuck him that he couldn't even wait for him to finish. Impatient bastard, he chided himself. That's what caused this whole mixup in the first place, remember? Ya better take a page from Ben's book for once, and slow down. Cuz he hardly ever asks for anything. Let him do this for ya if he wants to.
"Sure," he said, stifling his impatience. "Go ahead. Gives a whole new meanin' to the term 'clean cop', doesn't it?" he joked.
He was rewarded with a brief smile. Then Ben went down on one knee in front of him and started lathering up his legs.
Calm down, Ray told himself, his heart leaping at the Mountie's every touch. But it was hard. He had to close his eyes, had to look away from the sight of Ben kneeling in front of him, his beautiful dark head right there... Cuz it made his hands itch to take hold of his head, to push those lush, gorgeous lips where he wanted them, right onto his stiffening cock.
Get a grip, he told himself sternly. Stop thinkin' about what he could do, and enjoy what he's doin'. After all, it's been a long time since I made love with him. Way too long. So if he wants to put soap all over me before we do it, who cares? Still, it made him feel a bit weird. Stella had never liked showering with him very much, so she'd never done this to him. Hell, nobody had, not since his mom used to bathe him when he was a kid. He smiled, remembering that.
Only thing missin' is my rubber ducky, he thought, snickering to himself.
Or maybe he laughed out loud, because Ben suddenly looked up at him curiously. "Is something funny, Ray?"
He grinned. "Naw. Just thinkin' about rubber ducks," he said.
Ben blinked. "Ahh," he said, as if he'd just explained one of the world's greatest mysteries. Then he went back to his task.
Ray smiled down at his friend. See, that's what I love about you, he said to himself. Anyone else would think that was loony, but you just accept it.
Ben had always done that. Right from the beginning. Unlike Stella, he'd accepted all his weirdness, all his faults, without making him feel crazy or inadequate. So if Ben wanted to soap up every inch of his skinny body every time they showered for the rest of his life, he might just let him.
Ray stood still, and tried hard to be patient while Fraser did just that: soaped every inch of him. His cock, his legs, his feet, his butt, his back, everything. For some reason, he even lingered over his wrists for awhile. Ray was afraid he'd say something about the fading cuts and welts there, but to his relief, he didn't. He never had, and he'd finally decided Ben must've assumed he'd gotten them when he was shot. Though Fraser was usually way more observant than that, Ray didn't want to look that particular gift horse in the mouth. He wasn't about to tell him that he'd made a mistake. So he didn't say anything as Ben lathered his wrists up thoroughly, soaped them so heavily that the suds covered them completely. He wondered if it meant anything, though, or if he was just being paranoid. But he didn't dare ask.
But when Fraser raised the soap to his face, he felt he'd reached his limit. "What the -- hey, come on!" he protested. His patience wearing thin, he caught his friend's hand. "Enough is enough."
Fraser just shook his head. "All of you, Ray," he said with a determined glint in his eyes.
Ray sighed. When Fraser got that look, you might as well save your breath. Arguing with him would get you nowhere. So he let go of him, and Fraser quickly soaped his face, leaving out only the part of his forehead that was still bandaged. Then he started on his hair. Ray rolled his eyes. "Jeez, Frayzh. Ya know, down here in the States, we usually use somethin' called shampoo for that--"
"Soap will do just as well," Fraser said firmly. But he worked the soap into his hair very gently, avoiding his bandage, so Ray didn't object.
He couldn't resist teasing him, though. "What is it with this Mr. Clean thing, Frayzh? I go away for a little while, and you develop some kinda soap fetish?"
For a second, Fraser's hands stilled in his hair. "It was more than a little while, Ray. You left four months and sixteen days ago," he said quietly.
Ray closed his eyes, wincing. So Ben had been counting too. "Yeah, well... If it makes you feel any better, it felt like forever to me," he confessed.
"Good," Fraser said, scrubbing more soap into his hair.
Ray grinned, surprised at his honesty. "I don't believe you said that. That was kinda mean and unMountie-like, Frayzh, gloatin' over my unhappiness like that."
"Hmm," Fraser said. "Well, I'm not proud of it, Ray, but you were a bit unfair, you know."
Ray winced. "Yeah, I know. So okay, I guess yer entitled to gloat. A little."
"Thank you. That's very generous of you. But I think I've done enough for now." Fraser worked a bit more soap into Ray's hair, then finally took his hands away. "There," he said in a satisfied voice. "All done."
"Finally," Ray muttered under his breath.
Fraser paid no attention. He pushed Ray under the shower's spray, then turned him around to sluice off his back, and wash the rest of the soap out of his hair. Ray didn't complain. His usual impatience was offset by the pleasure of feeling Fraser's strong, gentle hands on him again after so long. He stood passive, letting the Mountie finish cleaning him off. He even smiled a bit as the water sprayed over him, because he knew it wouldn't be long before he got the rest of Ben, too.
As if he'd read his mind, Fraser suddenly pulled him out of the spray, put his arms around him and pulled him close. Holding the back of Ray's wet head gently in his hand, he kissed him, deeply but tenderly. When Ben finally broke the kiss, he looked into his eyes and smiled. Then he whispered, "I'm yours, Ray."
Ben's blue eyes were tender and shining into his. Ray felt something warm radiating from him that was almost physical. He felt like Ben could somehow see right down into his soul, and that he was offering his soul to him in return. His heart, his body, everything he was. Ray felt humbled. Thrilled. Almost awed, because he knew what an incredible gift that was. He knew, better than anyone. But he wasn't sure he deserved him, or how to answer that kind of offer. Thanks weren't enough. He wished he could think of something wonderful to say, or to give him in return, but all he could come up with was himself.
"Okay. Good," he blurted. Then, realizing how dumb that sounded, he added, "I mean it's good, cuz I'm yers too." But he felt himself flushing. Not at the sentiment, but because he wasn't sure it was enough. That he was.
Ray the screw-up, Ray the Attitude, in return for Beautiful Ben? Even he knew that equation didn't balance.
But Ben seemed to think it did. His eyes gleamed with satisfaction, and he kissed him again, even more passionately than before. When he began moving his hips against Ray's too, sliding their wet cocks together as they kissed, Kowalski's breathing grew harsh. He'd been patient long enough. When he finally came up for air, he moaned, "Okay, I'm yours, yer mine... Can we do it now?"
Ben blinked at him for a second. An odd look came over his face, as if Ray's request had made him think of something else. "Kneel down, Ray," he said.
"What?"
"Kneel down," he repeated firmly.
The command surprised Ray a little. Ben was acting weird. Not out of control like before, but kind of forceful and intense all the same. First that weird little soap ritual, and now what? Is he gonna make me get down on my knees and beg for forgiveness?
Then he shrugged. What if he did? He'd do whatever Ben wanted. Whatever it took. He owed him that. But more than that, he wanted him, wanted to please him... Plus, he suddenly remembered that there were other things he could do on his knees than beg for forgiveness. That he might even be able to make Ben beg, if he did them right.
"Okay," he said. He dropped down onto the tiles with a smile.
But to his surprise, Ben didn't make him beg, or even ask him to go down on him. He just stood there looking down at him for a minute without saying a word. Then, all at once, he knelt down behind him. Okay, so he's not lookin' for an apology. That's good, Ray thought, relieved. But what the hell is he doin'?
When Ben put his arms around his chest and pulled his head back for another hot kiss, he got his answer. Ben was finally going to make love to him. Hot damn. A jolt of deep, nearly painful desire shot through him. His breathing got harsh, and his erection hardened. He was so hot for the Canadian that he could hardly stand it. But he winced a little as Ben bent him further backwards. The position hurt his still healing ribs.
Fraser sensed his discomfort, and ended their kiss instantly. "Lean on me, Ray," he said, as if he knew he was in pain. "Relax. Sit back in my arms..."
Ray hesitated for a second. He didn't know what Ben was up to, and it had been a long time since he'd trusted anyone. A long time, and a lot of strange sexual water under the bridge...
Ben wasn't really sure why he'd asked Ray to kneel down. It seemed a mere impulse, a whim. It wasn't as if he'd planned how he was going to make love to him, after all. He hadn't even been sure that would ever happen, or if Ray still wanted him, when he'd decided to drive him home from the hospital. So he didn't know if his reasons for wanting him to kneel were erotic at all. But after he voiced the question, as Ray hesitated, a sort of stubbornness came over him. Despite his unknown motives, it seemed important, even essential, that Ray do it anyway, and he wondered why.
When Ray smiled a little, said "Okay," then dropped to his knees, he discovered the answer. Something inside him that he hadn't even realized was tight and painful eased, as if a strand of barbed wire that had been wrapped around his heart had been removed. Understanding came, and it shocked him. He realized that part of him had wanted, needed, to make Ray obey him because until that moment, he hadn't been able to entirely forgive him for kicking his hat at the 27th, for shoving and humiliating him in front of everyone. He forgave him now, but not without a simultaneous surge of shame.
Get down on your knees, Ray. Who the hell was he, to demand such a thing? Such an abject apology? He suddenly wondered if his motives for it went back even further than their fight. If he'd subconsciously been making Ray pay for others' sins, as well as that incident at the 27th. Had Victoria's manipulations galled him so deeply that they lingered in his soul even now? Had they driven him to want to exert some sort of like power over Ray, to soothe his own wounded ego? Had he wanted to assure himself that this time, he would be the one in control of their relationship? He was shaken by his own darkness. Appalled at himself.
But amazed by Ray. He'd done it. Done it with a smile, as if it were a small thing. As if he didn't mind it. As if he would've done much more, if Ben had only asked him. Ben was mortified. Ray's cheerful obedience made him seem petty; arrogant; even cruel. He was deeply embarrassed for asking him to atone in such a way, and awed by his friend's generosity in doing so. But most of all, deeply tender and protective towards him. More in love with him than ever.
Ben knew of only one way to make up for his stupid, dictatorial, vengeful request. He dropped to his knees himself, in genuine penitence, and put his arms around the slender blond from behind. Spreading his palm over Ray's chest, so that he could feel his heart beating, he bent him backwards gently, changing the act from contrition to an embrace. He drew Ray against him, suddenly wanting nothing more than to be close to this man, who was far better to him than he deserved. But he felt Ray tense when he did, and realized that leaning backwards hurt him.
"Lean on me, Ray," he whispered. But what he really meant was, I love you.
This time, when Ben asked him to lean backward, Ray didn't hesitate. This was Benton Fraser, after all. Fraser, who'd sat vigil over him in the hospital for five long days and nights, even after he'd thrown him out and taken up with another guy. Ben, who'd never done anything wrong in the first place, whose only crime had been coming back to his apartment a little late. His Benny Ben, who he'd hurt terribly -- because he hadn't trusted him.
He suddenly wondered if maybe that was why Ben was doing all this. The soap ritual, the kneeling, all of it. Was it some strange sort of test he'd dreamed up, to see if he'd finally learned his lesson? Finally learned to trust him? The thought pissed him off a bit. He should know I do, he thought. I already told him that.
Then again, he'd only just finally gotten Ben back. So if this was a test, he didn't want to flunk it. Not this time. Not when the person handing out grades was his Mountie. Besides -- Ben's hands felt tender now, and his voice was soft and intimate. He wasn't giving orders now, he was just asking. Asking for his trust.
And he'd always had that. He'd given it to him long ago. Hell, the first time I looked into his big baby blues, I was talkin' partnership. Talkin' duets, before I knew it. There was just somethin' about him -- always knew I could trust him, from day one. He smiled to himself, remembering that. Then the smile died away, as he recalled what had happened when he'd somehow quit trusting him. It wasn't a pretty picture: their fight, him kicking Ben's hat, his lonely exile to the 29th, and Rylan. Most of all, Rylan.
He shivered a bit, and thrust his memory away. Focused his thoughts back on Ben. On what he needed to do, to repair the trust he'd broken. Whatever it takes, he thought. If he wants me to show him that I trust him a second time, or ten times a day for the next month, I'll do it. He's worth it.
So he did it. Leaned back into Ben's embrace, laid his head on Ben's broad shoulder, and gave himself over into his hands. Holding nothing back. Giving himself utterly. Trusting him completely.
Ben sat back on his haunches and eased him between his legs, and tightened his arms around him. Ray felt his broad chest against his back, his strong arms and body supporting him. Fraser's big, warm, muscular body wrapped all around him. Jesus, that feels so good...
"That's it, Ray," Ben said softly. He sounded both tender and pleased. "I'll hold you."
And Ray knew he would. He also knew that for once, he'd done the right thing. Made Ben happy. It was so cool. Never mind that it didn't take much, it was still a jazz, makin' Big Red smile. It put a smile on his own face. Besides -- being cradled in Ben's arms like this felt wonderful. Warm. Safe. Cozy and totally sexy, at the same time. It felt so good, he could've stayed like that forever.
But Fraser had other ideas. Suddenly, he was all over him. He took his mouth again, began kissing him passionately while he pinched, pulled and rubbed at his nipples gently with one hand. The other stroked his balls, then took his cock in a firm grip and began to stroke it gently, sensually, from root to tip.
Ray's head spun. It still amazed him, how Fraser could go from Mr. Polite to Tiger Man in the space of a second. Not that he was complaining. He was too busy moaning -- right into the hot, wet mouth that was sweetly devouring his. This was what he'd wanted for months, what he'd dreamed about. Hell, it was better than any of his dreams. Ben's embrace, his kisses. Ben naked with him, wrapped all around him. Ben's cock hard against his butt, Ben's hand warm on his aching cock. It felt so good he could've died happy, but all he wanted to do right then was live in that moment forever, with Ben making love to him.
A contrasting memory slipped through his mind: the scratchy feel of Rylan's chest and leg hair against his skin when they had sex. The way his hard body had pushed against him, crushed him, battered him. Overwhelmed him, demanding something he could never give. He'd always been half afraid that Pat might smother him someday, in his savage enthusiasm. By contrast, Ben was smooth and sleek, his hands were gentle, and his body supported him while he stroked and caressed him... Where Rylan had only and ever taken, Ben gave. He was perfect as any dream lover could ever be but he was real.
"Damn," Ray whispered, trembling with delight.
"Do you like this, Ray?" Ben's voice, warm and shy in his ear. A little hesitant, as if he'd misunderstood his shaky curse. Ben's tongue circled his ear, then dipped inside as he played with his nipples, caressed his cock.
Like it? "Yeah," he croaked, hardly able to speak. "Do whatever you want to me. I love it--"
That made Ben happy. He hummed in Ray's ear, a wordless little sound of pleasure. Then he drove his tongue deep into his ear, rubbed the head of his cock swiftly with his thumb, and stroked his nipple, all at the same time. Ray writhed with ecstasy at the triple stimulation, groaning helplessly. His body arched up instinctively, towards the source of that incredible pleasure, and he felt Ben's arms tighten on him, keeping him close. Keeping him from arching so far forward that he'd hurt himself again.
Loving him.
Ray could feel it, feel the love pouring out of him in every caress of those big, pale hands; and his own heart returned it. Reaching back, he wrapped his arms around Ben's neck and clung to him tightly, wanting to show him that he felt the same way.
Ray wanted this, their first time together in months, to be long and slow, to last forever.
But he couldn't do it. After so many long nights spent either alone or enduring what passed for sex with Rylan, the contrast of Ben's gentle hands was too much for him, the pleasure too intense. The sensation of being gently stroked rather than seized, of being cherished and pleased rather than used, was so wonderful that Ray couldn't control his response. He wanted to draw this out but he couldn't contain his own excitement. He was moaning, making these loud noises cuz it felt so damn good... And Ben was breathing harder too, hot, excited puffs of breath against his cheek. Ray's cock throbbed, and he felt the energy coiling at its base, the surge gathering in his balls as they lifted and tightened. He bit his lip hard, not wanting it to happen so soon, afraid of disappointing Ben.
"Ben, wait! I can't hang on--" He was panting like a dog, like an animal. He could hardly talk. Not just because of what Ben's hands were doing to him, though that was intense enough -- but also because he knew he'd bent his whole concentration, his whole being it seemed, on trying to please him, with no thought for himself. Ray had half forgotten how wonderful it was, being the sole focus of Ben's erotic attention. He grabbed his own cock, put his hand over Ben's, trying to slow down the stroking that was driving him mad.
"It's all right, Ray. Let go," Ben whispered in his ear. "This is for you..." He sank his teeth gently into his earlobe, and Ray gave in instantly. Took his interfering hand away and gave Ben free rein. No questions asked. Beyond caring that it was selfish. Knowing he really only wanted more of that hand, more of those teeth, more of whatever Ben wanted to do to him--
Ben wanted, it seemed, to tighten his grip on his cock. Wanted to fist it faster and faster. Pausing only briefly to give special attention to its head, with fingers that were now slick with his pre-ejaculate. His talented, sensitive fingers seemed to dance on the reddened, pulsing head of Ray's cock with just the precise amount of pressure needed to give him maximum pleasure.
That tore away the last vestiges of his self control. Ray writhed in Ben's arms, gasping for breath. A deep, thumping pleasure had been rising in him, rising in answer to Ben's touch; and at that, it grew even stronger. Harder, until the pulse of it shook his heart, his blood, his bones. He groaned loudly, his whole body throbbing in time with Ben's strokes. His whole universe narrowed to the pure, primal ecstasy of Ben's hands on his cock. His strong, quickening rhythm, that was pulling it out of him. Driving him on to his peak. He closed his eyes, giving up on the effort of trying to ride the wave, to make it last. It was no use. He was only flesh and blood, and he couldn't hold it in. He quit trying to stop it, and came instantly. Exploded, in a burst of ecstasy so intense that the world went dark around him. He hung suspended in Ben's arms for a time, crying out as his cock jerked and spurted, endlessly it seemed, over Ben's hands.
When he came back to himself, he opened his eyes slowly. Blinked, half surprised to see that he was still alive. Still in his own shower. Talk about the earth movin' -- damn! That was beyond good. It was incredible! He lay in Ben's embrace, weak and panting. His whole body felt limp, like he'd been running for miles. But good, too. Filled with a happiness he hadn't felt in months.
Ben's arms were still curled protectively around him. One hand cradled his cheek, the other traced gentle circles on his stomach. Ray could hear his heavy breathing, feel his arousal, but his fingers were tender and patient. He wasn't touching him erotically now, he was just waiting. Caressing him gently as he waited for him to recover.
Ben was amazing. It wasn't enough that he'd made him come so hard he almost blacked out; now he was taking care of him, too. Ray had been wanting this, longing for it: Ben's kindness, his tenderness, that filled his heart like nothing else could. He loved Ben so much, so much it pierced his heart. So much that it scared him. He felt tears spring to his eyes. He took Ben's hands in his and held them. "God," he whispered. "What ya do to me..."
He turned to kiss him, and as he did, felt Ben's cock press against his side. Ben was still hard -- so hard it was probably hurting him. The discovery filled Ray with the desire to make Ben come in the same mind-blowing way that he just had. "Now, I'm gonna take care o' you," he murmured, kissing him tenderly. Moving over, he sat next to him on the floor of the shower, and draped his right leg over Ben's left. He touched the semen on his stomach, then held his fingers to Ben's mouth.
"Know how ya love tastin' things," he said, smiling his best slow, teasing, "Come fuck me" smile. "Taste me," he invited.
Ben's eyes widened slightly with surprise, that melted instantly into hunger. He sucked Ray's fingers into his mouth eagerly, swirling his tongue over them. He closed his eyes, almost purring. Ray's mouth went dry, just watching him. Knowing Ben was tasting him on his fingers. It was trance-like. Hypnotic. He had to shake himself physically so he could get back to the task at hand.
He bent his head and breathed lightly on the tip of Ben's beautiful, reddened, upthrust cock. Kissed it softly. "This is fer you, Benny Ben," he whispered, smiling as it quivered at his touch. Then he took it in his mouth. Took it deep. Claimed it, the way Ben had just claimed him. He sucked hard, and Ben shuddered, groaning wildly around Ray's captive fingers.
Ray smiled, and sucked harder. He knew that was only the beginning.
They stayed in the shower for a long time. They couldn't seem to stop touching. Couldn't get enough of each other. Ray teased Ben about it a little, lowering his head as if to kiss him, then lifting it again before their lips could touch. "Want that, huh?" he whispered, smiling, his voice husky.
Ben smiled back, but Ray saw him swallow hard. "Yes..."
"Whaddaya want? Want me to kiss ya?" he asked, just to hear him say it.
Ben could've easily grabbed him and taken the kiss he wanted, but he lay back against the wall of the shower, playing along. Letting Ray tease him. Letting him take control. "Yes, Ray," he said, his gaze on Ray's mouth. Fastened there like he'd never seen anything he wanted more. "Please, kiss me again," he whispered, his tongue darting out over his lower lip in a familiar gesture.
At those words, and that erotic little sweep of Ben's tongue, Ray felt a visceral thrill, right down to his toes. Ben had taken the lead before, but he didn't seem to mind him taking over now. Hell, he looked like he was enjoying it. After being with Rylan, who'd never even bothered to ask him what he wanted, who'd treated him like some kind of boy toy sex slave, just lie there and take it and shut up, Ben's willingness to please him was pure heaven.
Having Ben plead to be kissed was like a dream. He almost wanted to pinch himself, to make sure it was real. That Ben was really here, naked with him. Asking for more kisses, even though they'd just finished making love. Being playful. Hell, that was better than any dream could ever be.
Ray grinned. "'Kay. Since ya asked me nice..." He lowered his head again and feasted on Ben's mouth, kissing and kissing and kissing his red lips endlessly. He wet them with kisses, then traced his upper lip with his tongue, and softly bit the fullness of his lower one. He tasted him slowly, using his tongue lightly, thoroughly, then withdrawing gently. Then he kissed his face, kissed his lovely blue eyes closed, traced the high arch of his cheekbones, the dark sleekness of his hair with his mouth, never getting enough.
Ben finally grew impatient and turned his head to find his lips, to join their mouths again. Ray moaned softly as their tongues entwined. All his bruises, pain and grief were forgotten in the joy of being close to Ben again. He felt high. Light, like he was floating. Drunk on champagne. Or maybe it was love.
Nothing else existed for him, or for Ben either. They kissed until they made love again, kept kissing while they did it, then started kissing again when they lay breathless and spent, until they made love again... One led to the other. There in the wet spray, on the tiles, they arched against each other again and again, with soft sighs and moans. Went to the edge, then over it, sometimes together, sometimes one after the other.
After a time, Ray remembered something he'd dreamed of, on those lonely nights without Ben. "Want you to fuck me," he whispered in Ben's ear as he kissed it. "Want you inside me."
They'd never done that before. Ray had never done that with anyone. He'd almost hit Rylan for even trying it. But with Ben, he wanted it. Wanted everything he could think of, and then some. Because it would be Benny Ben, giving it to him. Getting close to him in a way no one ever had. He wanted that part most of all.
But to his surprise, Ben hesitated. "Ray, we don't have to"
Ray didn't want to hear that. "I want it," he said. Stubborn, impatient. Remembering Rylan, and how he'd almost taken him by force. Taken what he only wanted to give to Ben. He twisted out of Ben's arms, stood up and put his hands flat on the slick shower wall. It felt cool under his hands, an exquisite counterpoint to the heat they were generating.
"Now," he said, offering himself. He more than wanted it, he needed to have Ben inside him. To find out what it felt like. But Fraser didn't move, and Ray turned his head to look curiously at him.
Ben stood behind him, his pale skin flushed pink with the heat of the shower and their sex, beads of water clinging to his big, muscular body, his dark hair wet to raven blackness. Ray had finger-combed it while he'd kissed him, slicked it neatly back from his face, baring his innocent features. Now his mouth went dry at the pure, angelic beauty of him.
God, he thought, in awe. He looks like somethin' out of a wet dream. Then he smiled. Guess this is kind of a wet dream! We're both wet, and he's so beautiful, he's like a dream...
But why was Ben hesitating? He suddenly had another twinge of insecurity, remembering what he looked like. Banged up, bandaged, funny-colored bruises everywhere. Not exactly wet dream material. Hell, he wasn't that even when he was at his best. Wasn't in Ben's class, and he knew it. The Mountie was world class in the looks department. A classic, like a Lamborghini. He was more like a base model Toyota. Skinny, average looking -- guys like him were a dime a dozen. It was why he had experimental hair. He had to do stuff like that, to get people to even look at him. Most people, anyway.
Then again -- Ben had looked at him. Looked real hard, with hunger in his eyes. He'd said he didn't care about his bruises. Hell, he'd even told him once that he thought he was handsome. Still, his hesitation now made him wonder. Either he'd changed his mind about that, or maybe he had other reasons for holding back.
Maybe he doesn't wanna do it at all. It suddenly hit him that he'd more or less demanded it. Ordered Ben to do it, instead of asking him if he wanted to. Selfish bastard, he chided himself. His throat closed up painfully. "Don't you wanna?" he asked, not daring to ask why.
At that, Ben finally moved. Slipped his arms around him from behind, and kissed his neck. "Yes, Ray," he breathed. His voice sounded hushed. Dark. Intimate. Like he was confessing secret sins to a priest.
Excitement sizzled through Ray. He wanted to be one of those sins. Wanted it bad. Only it wouldn't be a sin, not with Ben. He knew that. More like a gift. "Then do it," he said.
"Want you inside me," Ray whispered to him.
Ben shivered. His heart turned over. He couldn't believe what they were doing, how many times they'd made love already, and how much he wanted to do it again. He'd never felt so insatiable. And to hear Ray ask for that
I used to dream of doing that to him. Of really taking him, making him mine... of possessing him like that. But those had been secret, guilty dreams he'd confessed to no one, not even Ray himself. Not even when they'd become lovers. Because the act could cause pain, especially if you'd never done it before. He had, but he doubted that Ray had, and he'd already hurt him in his impatience. He didn't want to do it again.
But he did want to possess Ray to take him back from Rylan. Though soaping him thoroughly, then making love to him had blunted the edge of it, that dark need still pulsed inside him, simmering below the surface. Ray's unexpected words revived it, as if he'd somehow guessed how he felt, glimpsed his secret obsession.
But Ben's reasons for wanting to do it were not all selfish or dark. He also wanted the incredible pleasure that particular kind of lovemaking gave: the feeling of closeness, of oneness, that was so unique. He wanted to feel that, but he also wanted to share that closeness with Ray, to show him how wonderful it felt, too. So when Ray asked him to do it, despite the steam surrounding them, his mouth went dry. All rational thought fled his mind. He imagined pinning him to the wet tiles and thrusting deep inside him, joining them in a way he never had before.
His excitement was primitive. Primal. It seared along his nerves, hardening him, frightening him with its power. The shower was like their own little erotic world, and he was reveling in it, and in Ray's eagerness to touch him, and to be touched. After being so long without it, he was rediscovering the deep, heady, addictive pleasures of sex. Given the chance, he would've spent the next week in here with him. But he hadn't expected Ray to ask for this, for what he wanted most. So he didn't answer him at first. He held back, unsure of his own self control. He was afraid of getting carried away again, and of hurting Ray a second time.
Afraid of becoming Rylan, while trying to banish his ghost.
He considered saying no. But then Ray turned to him and asked plaintively, "Don't you wanna?"
Those simple words stole his heart. Reminded him of how fragile Ray was, in other ways than the merely physical. How easily he could be hurt. And though he doubted he really understood what he was asking, it was Ray asking and he loved Ray.
So he went to him, put his arms around him and kissed his doubts away. Confessed that he wanted it too, and saw Ray smile. All the while, he searched his mind for the way that would be right, that would cause the least discomfort. Because it was Ray asking.
Ben took his hand, and led him out of the shower. "Come on. Let's get dried off," he said. "I want -- that is, I think we should do this in your bed."
Ray's heart skipped, then settled into a faster beat than normal. He's gonna do it! Ben was really going to fuck him, take him the way he'd been dreaming about. As they toweled themselves off, his mouth went dry with excitement. The fact that Ben wanted to do it in his bed kind of made it seem special somehow. He knew it was possible he might've just gotten tired of making love in the shower, but Ray doubted that. It felt like the Mountie was thinking of him in this, taking care of him; and it was a great feeling. Fraser wasn't shy about asking him to risk his life on the job, and for a long time, that had blinded him to how much he cared. But in private, he showed a different side. He was thoughtful, attentive. He looked out for him like no one else in his whole adult life, except for Stella, ever had.
Ray wanted to thank him, but didn't want to sound mushy. So he reached out and toweled his dark, wet hair instead, and smiled into the bright blue of his eyes. "Yer too good lookin', ya know," he teased softly, to cover his feelings. "Oughtta be a law."
Ben didn't object to his teasing, or the toweling either. With his dark, damp hair curling into ringlets on his forehead, he smiled back at him. "There is, Ray. Concerning what we're about to do, anyway. I believe it is still illegal in the U.S.," he said, his eyes twinkling. "At least in some states."
Ray grinned, his heart still beating rapidly at the thought of it. "Guess I'll haveta arrest ya then," he said, dropping his towel on the floor as he reached for his hand.
"I see. Well then, maybe you'd better read me my rights, Ray," Ben answered, playing along as they headed out of the bathroom.
Ray grinned. He loved it when Ben got into the spirit of things, when they were in sync like this. Partnership. It's the best.
"Okay. Well, ya got the right to remain silent but I hope ya don't. I like hearin' ya moan," he said, leaning over to purr it into Ben's ear. "Turns me on," he added. He loved talking sexy to his Mountie, loved the way it always made him blush.
Ben turned pink on cue, but Ray thought he looked pleased all the same. Adorably tousled and happy to know that he turned him on. "Understood," Ben said as they walked.
"Then ya got the right to an attorney," Ray went on. "But unless ya plan to sue me for makin' ya come, ya won't need one."
"Ray!" Ben sounded faintly shocked.
Ray just grinned as he pulled him along. "One last thing. Ya got the right to make me come too. As many times as ya want. Ya got all that?"
Fraser nodded, a mischievous look in his blue eyes. "I'm not sure your version matches the official Miranda," he said solemnly, "but it will do."
Ray laughed. "Good! Then let's get to it." Without any further ado, he sat down on his bed, and pulled Ben down onto it beside him.
Ben kissed Ray thoroughly, slowly, wanting to draw the moment out. He was still laughing inside at Ray's bizarre, erotic version of the Miranda rights, and touched by his desire to make love in a new way. He could feel Ray's heart racing against him, and though it was immensely flattering, he needed to slow things down a little. He wanted to relax him, to make him more tranquil, so that his body would accept him with the least amount of pain.
When they came up for air, Ray asked, "How d'ya wanna do it?" Typically, he was all nervous impatience. "Want me on my stomach, or what?"
Ben shook his head. "No." He'd thought that over already. In deference to Ray's still-healing ribs, he'd decided he should lie down on his back for this. It would be easier for Ray, and nicer for him, too. He took Ray's hand in his and smiled tenderly at him. "I want... Well, I want to see you, Ray," he confessed shyly. "To look at you, while we--"
Ben knew that he must've said just the right thing, because he was rewarded by one of Ray's rare, but exceedingly sweet smiles. "Oh," he said. "That's cool. Okay then." He laid down on his back, spread his legs and locked his hands behind his head, as if displaying himself for Ben's pleasure. "Look away," he invited, smiling.
As if Ben could've done anything else. He wasn't sure if he'd finally convinced Ray that he found him handsome in spite of his bruises, or if he'd just done this to please him, but his mouth went dry all over again, at the sight of him. Words failed him, and for a moment, all he could do was stare. Bandages and all, Ray was beautiful, so beautiful. He didn't feel like he deserved having such beauty laid out like that, just for him. Ray's whipcord lean body, a masterpiece of masculine architecture, all hard planes and angles, yet graceful and immensely sensual as well. His hair, dampened to a dark shade of bronze in the shower, his beautiful cock, his lovely skin and long legs, were all marvelous to him. All precious and lovely. He loved every little detail of him, from the tattoo that curled starkly blue about Ray's right arm, to his long, honey-colored lashes, to the pale golden fuzz of the hair on his arms, legs and groin. Ben loved it all. He took his time and just savored the sight, feeding his own ardor. Just looking at Ray made him want to touch him, to taste him, all over again. It was all he could do not to throw himself on the bed and lick him from head to toe.
But he tabled that idea. Filed it away for future consideration, because it wasn't what Ray wanted now. What he'd asked for. He forced his thoughts back to the matter at hand. He moved toward the bed, drawn to his lover like a magnet, feeling deliciously sexual, almost like a libertine, set free by Ray's own desire for him.
Then he remembered. He couldn't just throw himself on his friend, he needed something to make it easier for Ray. A lubricant. He was amazed that he'd almost forgotten something so important, but he supposed it was understandable. Faced with such a temptingly beautiful distraction as his spiky-haired lover, it was difficult to think of safety precautions. Or of anything else but making love to him. "Excuse me for just a moment," he said, turning towards the hall.
Ray raised a curious eyebrow, but Ben was too embarrassed to tell him what he was doing. "I just need to borrow something," he said over his shoulder as he headed towards Ray's bathroom.
"What?"
"It won't take a moment," he called back, too embarrassed to give Ray any details. Then he was in the bathroom. He opened Ray's medicine cabinet, and surveyed the toothpaste and other common items inside. That wouldn't help
"There," he said aloud with some satisfaction. "This will do." He grabbed a small bottle filled with an amber colored liquid, and headed eagerly back towards the bedroom.
When he came in holding the bottle, Ray eyed it curiously. "That's the oil Stella gave me. Vitamin E stuff. Don't use it much. It's got this girly smell, like perfume. Ya gonna put oil on yer hair or somethin', Ben?" he asked.
Fraser climbed back onto the bed, shaking his head. "No. This is for you, Ray," he said, hoping Kowalski would grasp its intimate purpose without requiring him to explain further. But Ray just frowned at him. He swallowed, searching for the right words. "Well, it's for both of us, actually. It's to -- well, it eases the way, so to speak. It makes it easier, that is, to--" He floundered to a halt, so embarrassed that he was stuttering. He could hardly get the words out, partly because the subject was sexual, but partly because thinking about that, about what he was going to do with it, excited him so much that it was difficult to string a coherent sentence together.
Finally, Ray relented, and grinned at him. "Just teasin' ya. I know what ya want it for. It's lube," he said.
Fraser let out a breath, half relieved, half exasperated at Ray's pretend ignorance. "Yes, exactly."
Ray just grinned at him as he opened the bottle, completely unrepentant. "Anybody ever tell ya yer cute when ya blush, Ben?"
Fraser shook his head, knowing that his ridiculous blush was probably deepening at the unexpected compliment.
"Well, ya are. Even yer ears get pink."
That really embarrassed him. Not knowing what to say, he stared down at the oil he was pouring into his hand. Tried to concentrate on its pleasant floral scent, instead of the way his pale skin was betraying his emotions.
Ray seemed to sense his discomfort, because he changed the subject suddenly. "Want me to put that on for ya?" he teased. "The love oil, I mean."
At least, Fraser thought he was teasing him again. But when he raised his head and saw the hungry glint mixed with the amusement in his partner's eyes, he knew the offer was genuine. But he shook his head. He was getting aroused already, just hearing Ray call the amber liquid "love oil". Merely by rubbing the oil onto his fingers. If Ray touched him with it, he wouldn't be able to control himself long enough to make love to him the way he'd asked him to. "No. I don't think that would be a good idea, Ray."
Ray's gaze dropped down to his groin, and he smiled again. Even more wickedly this time. "Guess not," he observed.
Ben found that arousing, too. Actually, he found everything about Ray so arousing that he knew this wasn't going to be easy. He put the bottle down on Ray's bedside stand, moved over beside him and slipped a pillow under his hips. Then he lowered himself down on top of him. He positioned himself between his legs but supported himself on his forearms, so their hips touched, but his weight wasn't on Ray's chest. "I'm going to kiss you for awhile first," he said softly.
He'd meant to slow things down, but it seemed Ray had other plans. As Ben lowered his head, he felt an immediate rise in tension in the lean body beneath him, in the hands that clutched at his back. "I am all over that idea," Ray smiled. Ray's mouth rose to meet his, and it was hungry. Passionate. He drove his tongue deep into Ben's mouth, sucking eagerly. It excited Ben so much that he had to push the sensation away. Remind himself that if he got aroused too quickly, he was liable to forget his own strength and hurt Ray again. He had to remain calm, and he would, for Ray's sake.
But Ray wasn't making that easy. His mouth was too hot, his kisses too exciting, for Ben to maintain control. So he broke the kiss and pushed Ray's head gently back down onto his pillow. Rained gentle kisses on his face, avoiding his mouth, trying to get him to relax. "Lie back and let yourself float," he said, in the softest, most soothing tone he could summon.
Ray snorted in mingled amusement and exasperation. "What're you, my swim coach? This bed look like a body o' water to you?"
"I wasn't speaking literally, Ray. Please"
"That's what I'm tryin' to do! Please ya," Kowalski grinned. "Come on, Ben"
Beneath his teasing, there was a plea in Ray's voice, mixed with characteristic impatience. Ben sucked in his breath when, instead of relaxing as he'd asked, Ray cheated by caressing him instead. Slipping his hands lower, until they closed over his buttocks, he kneaded them strongly. Sensually. Pressing their cocks tighter together in the process.
"How's that?" he murmured, with an evil little smile.
Ben felt his cock harden even more. "Distracting -- in the extreme," he said truthfully. He meant it as a reproof, but it failed, because his voice was somewhat unsteady. His words said no, but his voice said, yes, yes! So did the rapid tripping of his heart. In fact, Ray's caress felt so good that he had to bite his lip to keep from moaning aloud with pleasure. So good that for a selfish instant, he considered abandoning his plan to go slowly, and simply throwing himself on his lover instead. Ray grinned up at him, obviously wanting him to just that.
But Ben refused to give in to his plea, his enticing grin, or to the erotic demands of his hands, either. He wanted this, their first time at this sort of lovemaking, to be special for Ray. To be as painless as he could possibly make it. So he took a deep breath and tried to still the rapid beating of his own heart. "Close your eyes, Ray," he said gently. "Breathe deeply."
Kowalski rolled his eyes. "What, now ya wanna hypnotize me?" he grumbled. "Thought we were s'posed to be--"
"We are. We will. I promise. Just relax," Fraser said hastily, half afraid his partner was going to get angry. Start yelling at him to get on with it.
But Ray just sighed instead. A gusty little sigh of surrender. "Okay. Have it yer way," he said. He closed his eyes and began taking deeper breaths, as he'd asked him to. Moved his hands up to his waist again, and just held him instead of trying to arouse him.
"Good," Ben said, gratified. "That's it."
He traced Ray's lips with his tongue, and smiled when they parted for him. Ray's eagerness sent another jolt of excitement through him, and he had to steady himself before going on. He planted chaste little kisses on Ray's mouth for a time, not venturing inside, just caressing his hip gently with his left hand, until he felt Kowalski's simmering desire change to tenderness, a kind of mellow enjoyment of his caresses. When Ray's breathing and heartbeat slowed, he reached down between Ray's legs with his right hand, the hand that he'd oiled, found the spot he wanted and slipped a finger inside of him.
Ray's heart leapt against him. In an instant, the air between them was heated again. Sizzling with desire, both Ray's and his. Ben's heart skipped a beat, too, when he felt how tight his blond partner was. Gloriously, wonderfully hot and tight. But Ben persisted in caressing him slowly, exploring the sweetness of his warm mouth while he started to open his body with one finger. Then two... He kept thrusting gently, rotating his fingers, coating him thoroughly inside with the oil, making his tight passage slick with it. Ray groaned suddenly, a low, involuntary sound deep in his throat. Ben stilled, thinking he'd hurt him. But Ray pushed against him, his hands tightening around his waist, his hips lifting to drive his fingers deeper inside him. His gasps were eager, impatient, not pained. More like gasps of pure excitement.
"Mm, mm, mmm!" Ray moaned, breathing harder.
Ben's own heart leapt. The time he'd taken to quiet Ray had paid off. He'd opened him without hurting him, and he was widening deliciously as they kissed. He was also clearly getting aroused by the penetration of his fingers. He couldn't help but wonder how Ray would react when they were replaced by his cock... It was all Ben could do not to pant uncontrollably himself, at the very thought of that. His earlier need to reclaim Ray grew stronger, and his arousal intensified. But he clung stubbornly to his control for Ray's sake. He searched his mind for a distraction, a way to slow himself down. He remembered how Kowalski sometimes talked to him while they made love, and decided to try that. "Tell me, Ray," he whispered in his ear, keeping him dangling. "Tell me you want me..."
Still holding himself up on one arm, he began to move his fingers faster inside of him, and Ray gasped again. "Oh yeah." He began moaning in rhythm with each thrust. "I want you -- so much -- it's been makin' me -- oh, God! -- crazy -- since the day -- I left ya. Okay?" Ray shivered. "Dammit, please, just do it. Fuck me!"
Ray was moving restlessly under him, begging to be taken. But Ben knew he wasn't quite ready. He was rather large when fully aroused, and Ray was slender, and still very tight... He slipped another finger into him. At least, he tried to; but this time, it was difficult. Ray gasped, his anus tightening convulsively before he'd worked even half of his third finger inside.
Ben lifted his head. Ray trembled and sucked in a harsh, hissing breath. Ben froze for a second, knowing that he'd hurt him this time, despite his precautions. So he stilled his probing fingers, lowered his mouth to a sensitive spot on Ray's neck, and kissed it gently. "Are you sure you want this, Ray?" he asked, giving him a chance to back out if it was too painful.
"Are you nuts?" Ray gasped. "Look how hard I am!"
Ben didn't have to look, he knew. Ray's cock was rigid against his flat belly. And he'd also noticed that despite his pain, Ray hadn't let go of him, hadn't repulsed him or tried to stop him. He was still clinging to him, arching against him, and Ben knew that was an answer in itself. Still, despite Ray's denials, he also knew that he was hurting. Since talking seemed to distract him, when he felt the opening of his anus loosen again, he slid his fingers slowly deeper and whispered, "Tell me again, Ray. Say you want me."
Ray shivered under him, arching upward, digging his fingers into his back as he moaned, "Hell yeah! Want you so bad, Ben" He raised his head and kissed Ben's throat, even bit it lightly where his pulse was racing.
It sent a wave of heat crackling over Ben, those hoarse words, that hungry bite. Ray wanted him. Him, not Rylan. He'd said so, said his name, so Ben could finally believe it. Ray wasn't imagining someone else here in his bed, he wanted him: Benton Fraser. He closed his eyes and savored that fact for an instant. It was wildly exciting, and it was what he'd wanted more than anything. When he could speak again, he said hoarsely, "I want you too, Ray."
Then Ben couldn't wait any longer. He was shaking himself, both from hearing that and from the effort of holding back, of holding his own intense desire at bay while he readied his lover. His head spun from the mixed scents of Ray's body, sweaty and musky with arousal, and the lighter, floral aroma of the oil he'd stroked deep inside of him. Ray smelled of flowers and sex, and Ben had never imagined a scent so enticing.
Ray opened his eyes and looked at him. "Do it," he said. His pale blue eyes were intense. Heated, glittering with hunger. He smiled up at Ben, and he looked beautiful, savage, feral: like a wolf. Fraser loved him so much, it seemed his heart would break.
So he gave him what he wanted most. Supporting himself on one arm, he oiled himself up with a trembling hand, then slid inside him. Slowly, inch by inch. Though every cell in his body was screaming to plunge deep, not just to take Ray but to possess him wildly, he held back, and pushed in gently. Carefully. Despite the oil, Ray still felt tight. Tight and hot around him, like a velvety glove. A glove ringed with strong muscles, that squeezed him instinctively as he slid into it. Ray felt so wonderful, Ben groaned as the head of his cock slipped inside of him.
It was all he could do not to come. He closed his eyes for a minute, trying to maintain control as he pushed a fraction deeper.
He heard Ray gasp. He opened his eyes to check on him, and saw that Ray's eyes were tightly shut in a look of pain. His body had gone stiff, and his inner muscles contracted convulsively, squeezing Ben's cock with painful force. Ben held himself still, not going any further. "Are you -- all right, Ray?" he asked.
It was clear that he wasn't, because for a minute, Ray didn't answer. He swallowed and shuddered slightly, his mouth still taut with pain, his fingers digging into Ben's skin for a long moment. Then, just when Ben was about to withdraw, not wanting to hurt him any more, Ray let out a soft sigh. His anus relaxed around Ben's cock, and his tight expression eased into one of surprise, then near bliss. He smiled, running his hands over Ben's biceps in a caress. "Oh yeah," he breathed. "I'm good. I'm fine. It's okay..."
Ben knew what that meant: Ray's pain was easing, had started to turn into pleasure. He was doubly glad he'd decided to make love to him like this, so he could see that amazing look on Ray's face, as pain changed to rapture. That sweet softening, the beginnings of ecstasy. Relieved, he slid into him a little further.
Ray's lips parted in another little gasp. This time, one of pure pleasure. "Oh God," he whispered, sliding his caressing hands up, wrapping them around Ben's neck. "That's so good!"
"Yes," Ben whispered back, kissing the strong, lovely arch of Ray's throat. He was infinitely grateful that he was no longer hurting his lover, that Ray was starting to enjoy this. That he wanted him to go on. He pushed deeper, moaning with the pleasure of it.
But it seemed he'd pushed too far, too fast. Because Ray gasped, the tendons in his neck cording as he bit his lip. Ben stopped. He was halfway inside Ray now, and shaking with the need to finish it, to bury himself completely in his lover. But he still held back. "Did I hurt you?" he panted.
"No!" Ray said. He shook his head, slid his hands downward from Ben's neck, dug his fingers into his straining shoulders. "Go on. Gimme all of it. All o' you!"
But Ben hesitated, feeling the tension in his lover's body.
"I want it," Ray panted stubbornly. "Come on" All at once, he pulled on Ben's shoulders, a determined downward yank that was so strong it caught Ben by surprise. He lost his balance and fell forward with a startled grunt; and the movement drove him all the way into Ray. Suddenly buried to the hilt inside his lover, Ben froze, startled, his head beside Ray's on the pillow, his heart pounding. Ray was so tight, so very hot and tight, and despite the pleasure that throbbed through his cock at being sheathed with such delicious force, he feared it must've hurt him.
"Wait" He would've pulled away, pulled back, but Ray caught him.
"No." Ray slipped his arms around his back, then slid his hands down to Ben's buttocks. Those long, strong, elegant hands held him stubbornly in place as Ray caught his breath. Ben felt his body adjusting to his penetration, heard Ray's breath coming easier. Then he laughed, a warm little chuckle in Ben's ear. Pain drowned in eagerness. "Can't wait. Don't wanna. Come on, Benny Ben!" Ray turned his head and kissed him breathlessly, rocking his hips upward slightly. Just enough to give Ben a taste of what thrusting into him would feel like. "Fuck me!"
Now Ray had what he'd wanted. So did Ben. He was all the way inside Ray. Ray was his, and he was Ray's, body and soul. The realization touched him so deeply that he lifted his head to look at him. To check Ray's face one last time for any signs of serious pain, before the last ounce of his self control deserted him.
Impatient as always, Ray bit his lip, his blond head tossing on the pillow with sheer frustration. "Come ON, Ben! Swear to God -- if ya don't, I'll die!"
Ben blinked. "That's a myth, Ray! Coitus interruptus never killed anyone."
Ray sucked in a breath, half moan, half laugh. "Dunno what that is, but if ya stop now, I'll haveta kill ya!"
Ben nodded. "Understood."
Then they both burst out laughing, so hard that Ben almost fell onto Ray again.
It was the most incredible sensation. Joined together as they were, Ben could feel Ray laughing. It rumbled through him, shaking his belly, and he knew Ray could feel his just as well. Ben thought it was amazingly sexy and judging by the way that Ray stopped giggling, threw his head back and moaned, it was just as arousing to him. The sight of his abandonment shot a bolt of pure desire through Ben. It was thrilling, even moving, that Ray wanted him so much -- enough to endure considerable pain, in order to be close to him in this way. Enough to tease him that he would die unless he took him immediately.
Ben's laughter stilled. He suddenly understood what Ray meant. He felt like he'd die himself unless he finished what he'd started, unless he completed their joining. He lowered his head until his forehead rested on Ray's. "I love you," he whispered, shaken.
Ray tilted his chin up and kissed him. "If ya do, then move. Please! Do me, before I die o' waiting!" he pleaded.
"Right you are," Ben smiled. He pulled Ray's legs apart a bit more, then raised himself up on his forearms again, and began to move. Pulling out of him, then thrusting gently in again. Ray wrapped his legs around him and moaned happily. That sound filled Ben's world. Nothing existed but Ray: his warm, soft mouth, his hands holding him. His hoarse groans of pleasure, filling his mouth like sweet wine as they came together. Ray's body joined to his, wrapped hot and tight around his aching cock. Ray's cock, hot and hard against his belly. They were one, one joined body, not two separate individuals any longer. It was beautiful, perfect, sublime. Ben moaned deliriously, taking his lover's breath then giving it back, wanting to stay deep inside of him forever. This was how it was meant to be; how they were meant to be. Together.
He was home at last.
For a long moment after Ray pulled Ben down onto him, driving him all the way into him, neither of them moved. Despite the care Fraser had taken to prepare him, his cock had filled Ray to bursting, stretched him until it hurt but he loved it, despite the pain. Because it was Ben with him, Ben who was huge, hot and throbbing inside him. Ben who was doing something to him even Stella had never done. Ben who moaned into his kiss as he started to move, making wild sounds he'd never heard before, telling him how much he'd wanted this too. His Ben, who'd said that he loved him.
Ray was in heaven. If he'd known it would feel this good, he'd've had Ben do it to him that first time. They were closer than they'd ever been before, together in a way he'd only imagined until now. He wasn't sure where he ended anymore, and Ben began.
It was sweet, it was hot, it was wild. It was meant to be, and Ray knew it.
He clung to Ben as he filled him, then withdrew. Over and over. Ray got lost in the heat of it. The hot, dark sweetness of it. In the back of his mind, he knew that first times weren't supposed to feel this good, but now that the initial pain had faded, it was amazing. Ben thrust slowly, as if he were caught up in it too, as if he didn't want it to end either. After a time, he bent his dark head and whispered, "Say it again, Ray." It was more like a plea than a command. He sounded a bit desperate. "Tell me you're mine."
For a second, Ray was confused. Already told him that. Wasn't he listening? That was hard to believe. Ben didn't usually miss important stuff like that, and he didn't usually talk much during sex, either. But he'd been asking him that over and over. Ever since they'd started making love, it seemed. All of a sudden, he seemed obsessed with that question--
Suddenly, a memory flashed through his head. He remembered Rylan saying, "You're mine, Ko."
And he knew what this was about. The truth finally burst on him. It's about Pat Rylan.
Ben knew about him and Rylan -- that they'd been lovers. Ray didn't know how he'd found out, but he had. The knowledge speared cold, stark fear through him. Though Ben was buried deep inside him, he froze, frightened and ashamed. Ben gasped out loud, shuddering a little, and Ray realized belatedly that he'd clamped down hard on him with his sphincter muscles.
"Sorry," he gritted, forcing himself to relax.
Ben started moving again, but Ray couldn't let it go. When Ben started making love to him, he'd stopped thinking. He'd been lost in sex, in pure sensation and feeling. But now his mind kicked in, starting racing, trying to figure it out. He must've known all along, he thought. Probably figured it out from the cuff marks on my wrists, back in the hospital. Or maybe when I told him about the AIDS test. It didn't really matter how Ben had twigged to it -- what mattered was what he was going to do about it. The ecstasy that had been building in him started to fade, replaced by embarrassment and fear.
He tried to reassure himself. Okay, so he knows. But he still came here. He still made love to me. Told me he loves me too, and he meant it. I know he did... But he couldn't figure out why. Why Ben would still love him, or why he kept asking him to say that he belonged to him, when he knew what he and Rylan had done. Ray felt guilt for not owning up to it. Worse still, he suddenly realized that he'd never actually said the L word to Ben. Had never told him he loved him.
Maybe he thinks I just want him, but that I was in love with Rylan.
It hit him like a slap in the face. Suddenly, he understood everything: the soap ritual earlier in the shower, Fraser's unusual forcefulness, his repeated, possessive demands... All of it. Ben wasn't just making love to him, he was competing for him -- with a ghost. Rylan's ghost. He's jealous! he realized, shocked. Jealous as I ever was about Vecchio. That was why he'd soaped every inch of his skin, lingered over the bruises Rylan had put on his wrists, then washed him off thoroughly. In some strange way, he'd been trying to remove every trace of his former lover from his body. Ben would've probably had some fancy, Inuit-related, psycho-babble explanation for that. Would've said it was symbolic or tribal or Freudian, or some damn thing. But Ray knew it was jealousy, plain and simple. Ben had been bitten by the green-eyed monster. That was why he kept asking him to declare himself, to say that he belonged to him, when he'd never done that before.
Ben was jealous as hell. And even though he'd never said a word about it, the barely hidden urgency in his voice told Ray that he'd also been hurt. He's scared, too. Scared that I was in love with Pat or somethin' that I can't forget him. That's why he's doin' all this. That's why he finally came out and told me he loves me. He wants to know if this is more than sex. Wants to know if I love him, too. But I didn't say it. Shit! I hurt him worse than I ever knew.
Ben had stopped moving again, and was staring down at him with a worried look, as if he knew he'd withdrawn from him on some level. Ray knew what he had to do to make things right. And it was what he wanted to do anyway. Ben had already said it, it was about time that he returned the favor. That he made him believe it. He reached up and gripped Fraser's biceps tightly, digging his shaky fingers into his skin. "I'm yers, Benny Ben," he said hoarsely, pouring his heart into the words. His soul. "All yers. I love you. Ya hear me? I LOVE YOU! Just you. No one else."
Ben sighed. A long, deep ahhhh, with his whole body. Then he lowered his head and kissed him. "Thank you, Ray," he whispered against his mouth. His voice sounded thick, like his emotions were so strong they almost choked him.
Ray closed his eyes and smiled. Now, he had everything in the world that he wanted. Well, almost everything. And he knew how to get that one last thing. "Don't mention it," he said. "But don't stop, either."
Ben smiled at him. Then he closed his eyes and moved faster.
"That's -- good," Ray panted, staring up into his lover's beautiful, rapt face. "Oh, yeah. Mmmm..."
Ben thrust a bit harder, and a surge of pure excitement flamed through Ray's belly. He closed his eyes too, wanting to feel it, to savor the previously unknown, wonderful sensation of Ben moving inside him. The heat, the delicious friction of it. The feeling of being filled and covered and rocked, all at the same time. It was incredible, like nothing he'd ever known.
When he opened his eyes again, he saw that a few locks of dark hair had fallen over Ben's forehead, and he felt him trembling. When he moved his hands down his arms, he felt the strain in his big body, and realized that Ben was holding back. Even now, even after he'd hauled him down on top of him and told him to go for it, he was still afraid to let go, afraid to hurt him.
To Hell with that, he thought. "Come on, Ben," he chanted, urging him on. "Faster, go faster! I can take it. I want it!"
But Ben didn't want to do it. He shook his head silently, as if he were beyond words, but he didn't move any faster.
Ray grimaced with frustration. He was sick of being coddled, of being treated like an invalid. He wanted his lover, wanted all of him, wanted him now. He thrust his hips up against Ben's, meeting his downward strokes, changing their depth, and Ben's rhythm. "Give it to me!" he panted, determined. "DO it!"
Ben gasped, and bit his lip.
But he couldn't resist the way Ray had increased the tempo. He was forced to thrust deeper, and when he did, Ray felt his cock hit something deep inside him. Some secret g-spot, that wrung a groan of ecstasy from him. "Oh, God. Oh, Jesus -- yeah! Do that--"
As if hearing that finally broke the last of his control, Ben shut his eyes again, and began to put his back into it. His strokes grew faster and harder, thrusting deeper into Ray, so strongly that they pushed his body up the bed. Since arching his hips up to meet those forceful thrusts started to lance pain through his ribs, Ray laid back and held on to Ben's arms to brace himself instead, his own cock hard and bobbing against his stomach as his lover fucked him hard and fast. On and on, deeper and deeper, until almost every thrust hit that spot that strobed ecstasy through his whole body. Ray couldn't talk anymore, he could hardly even breathe. He just gasped for air and hung onto Ben's arms as Ben groaned, hips churning above him. Driving into him. God, he was so strong! So damn strong it felt like he could do this forever
"Ohhhhh--"
Ray wanted him to do it forever. He didn't care if he died this way, didn't care if it killed him. He could hear himself moaning loudly, almost sobbing, delirious with pleasure, but still, Ben didn't stop.
It was wild. Raw. Ecstatic. Better than anything Ray had ever felt in his life. So the time came, all too soon, when he couldn't hold back anymore. He came, crying out as semen sprayed onto his chest, onto Ben's belly.
Driven over the edge by his climax, Ben cried out too. Ray felt his cock pulse powerfully, then hot liquid flooded him as he came. That blew his mind. He'd felt Ben come inside of him: every throbbing, pulsating inch of his hard cock, the hot jetting of his semen. And he loved it, loved it that he'd done that to him. Loved it even more that he'd been able to feel his climax deep inside his body, like he never had before. It felt hot. Deliriously intimate.
Ray lay limp on the bed, his eyes closed, his heart thundering in his chest. Ben kept on moving inside him. Slower now, and he was still trembling, but he kept moving. Surging gently inside him. Keeping them together, keeping them one. Like he didn't want to let him go, didn't want to let it end yet. "Oh, Ray," he whispered hoarsely.
Ray pulled his head down and kissed him. He didn't have any words for what had just happened. He doubted that anybody had ever invented any that could say what he was feeling. What Ben had done to him. Was still doing.
But sometimes you don't need words. So he just pulled Ben down onto him again, mending ribs and bullet wound stitches be damned, and tried to kiss him with everything he had: his hands, his mouth, his whole body. Hoping that would get the message across. Then he stopped kissing him just long enough for Ben to catch his breath. And just in case he hadn't got the message, he pressed his lips to his shoulder, stroked his dark hair and said it again. "I love you, Ben. Love you. I love you..."
Despite the slight pain in his ribs from Ben's weight, Ray didn't want to let him go. He held him and stroked him for a long time. Ben didn't say anything, but Ray didn't mind, because he didn't pull away either. Didn't pull out of him, even after he softened inside him. He didn't even seem to mind the sticky mess of come on his belly. He slipped his arms around Ray and embraced him too. Kowalski just laid there holding him, loving his weight, his warmth, not wanting to sever their bodies' connection.
But when Ben finally lifted his head, Ray was shocked to see tears in his eyes. "Oh, damn," he whispered, shaken. He pulled away from him then, finally. Forced himself up into a sitting position so that he could search his eyes. He'd thought Ben was okay with this, that he was as excited and pleased and overwhelmed as he was. "What'sa matter? What'd I do? What's wrong?"
Ben shook his head, smiling through his tears as he sat up beside him. "Nothing. It's not that," he whispered thickly at last. "It's just... I've never been so happy, Ray," he said shakily. "I didn't know... it was possible." A single, crystalline tear overflowed his brimming eyes.
Ray smiled, deeply touched. He was relieved they were happy tears, that he hadn't screwed up. What's more, he understood them. Ben was special to him, too. Not even Stella had ever done to him what he did. The way he'd loved her was just different. She'd never needed him the way he felt Ben did. Benny was unique, he reached into places in his heart that even Stella never had. His sweetness made him happier than he could ever say.
He took Ben's tear on his finger and wiped it away with gentle hands. Then he reached out and pulled him up beside him. Ben laid his dark head down onto his shoulder again, and Ray slipped his arms around him. "You deserve it," he said at last, when he could talk again. He caressed his shoulder gently as he spoke, just wanting to touch him. "Ya make me happy too. And I'm gonna keep ya happy. Ya got that? I love you. An' that's my mission in life now. Keepin' you happy."
Ben kissed the crook of his neck and shoulder. "That's easy," he said after a moment, trailing a finger over his chest. "Just don't leave me again, Ray," he whispered. "Please don't."
Ray closed his eyes. The words cut through him. It filled him with embarrassment and pain, that Ben could even think he would ever do that again. Ever be that incredibly blind and stupid, ever again. That'd be like cuttin' my own throat, he thought. It'd kill me.
But he couldn't say that. All he said was, "I won't, Benny Ben. I promise. I promise ya that."
That seemed to be enough. Ben sighed happily in his ear, and Ray held him close, wanting to feel the strong, steady rhythm of his heart.
They fell asleep that way.
When Fraser woke again some time later, he still lay in Ray's arms, with his head on his chest. He couldn't see his face, so he raised his head silently to see if Ray was awake. One of Kowalski's blue eyes opened slowly, as if he felt Ben watching him. Then the other, and Ben was treated to the sight of his lover looking blissful. Smiling a slow, sweet, very satisfied smile. "Hey, lover," Ray said softly.
Ben's heart contracted as a warm flood of happiness washed over him. He wondered if Ray could have any idea what such things meant to him. He'd been lonely for so long... He knew he'd never get tired of having Ray call him that, or of seeing him smile that way, contented and happy, because of him. Ray's happiness made him happy, fed back into his own contentment, which he then gave back to Ray in an endless loop. No wonder, Ben thought, the circle is a powerful symbol for so many cultures throughout the world: that's what love is. Endless, beautiful, unbroken, giving and taking, yin and yang...
But he kept his philosophical insight to himself, and just smiled back at his partner. "Hello, Ray," he said. "Are you hungry?" he asked, realizing with a guilty start that it had been hours since Ray had eaten. He'd had nothing but a little cereal in the hospital that morning, before they left. But Kowalski shook his head.
"Naw. Not for food, anyway." And the wicked grin that spread across his face left Ben in no doubt as to his meaning.
Ben would've insisted that he eat something, but he knew that Ray didn't eat much. He never had. He seemed to exist on a diet of rivers of coffee, broken only by the occasional sandwich or pizza. So Ben resolved to let a few more hours go by before pressing food on him. And as R