This is an essay on how to cope with a loved one, such as a friend or a family member, who is an alcoholic or a drug addict. Alcohol is just another drug, so during this essay, when I say an addict," I mean "an alcoholic or drug addict." While I don't claim to be an expert on addicts and recovery, I do have several relatives who are addicts. Some of them are in recovery, some are still active.
What's an addict?
An addict is a kind of slave, someone who is dependent on a substance and can't control using that substance, even though it hurts him or her. People can get addicted to literally anything. It doesn't have to be a drug or alcohol, it can be an activity such as shoplifting or sex.
The lesser-spotted lush: how to identify an addict.
The stereotype of an addict is of a homeless person, slumped under a bridge or behind a dumpster, drinking meths out of a bottle in a brown paper bag. And while it's true that there are a lot of homeless people who are addicts, it is equally true that homeless people constitute only a tiny percentage of all the addicts in the world.
The stereotype blinds us to this fact. You may think that because your loved one has a job, a nice place to live, and a family, he or she couldn't be an addict. Unfortunately, that's cobblers. He or she may be only on the first steps in the downward spiral that is addiction, or he or she may be what is called a "high-functioning" addict, where he or she is very good at keeping the addiction concealed behind the veneer of a normal life. Some addicts are even addicted to work, and because hard work is a valued activity, it may take years before they even realize it. So, you can't always tell by looking.
Another stereotype is that addiction is caused by trauma in the addict's early life. So if someone comes from a certain comfortable background, or is from a respected family, he or she couldn't be an addict. But it's not true. Anyone can be an addict. And I'm not saying that there is no connection between a difficult childhood and later addiction -- probably the harder your early life is, the more likely you are to have problems such as addiction. But someone having had what appeared to be a relatively conventional background is no guarantee that addiction is out of the question. While the addict's early life may have looked picture-book perfect, it's impossible to know what was going on either below the surface, or in the addict's mind during his or her childhood. People are individuals and the human mind is fragile thing. The kind of events that you got through without a wobble might have seriously damaged your loved one. Again, you can't tell by looking.
So, how can you identify an addict?
Ask yourself these questions:
You identify an addict by looking for patterns in their behaviour. Plenty of people sometimes drink a lot, are depressed, or are unemployed frequently, for example, and they aren't addicts. The trick is to see if you can trace a pattern in the inappropriate behaviour and see if it links up with the use of drugs and alcohol. The pattern will be one that gets worse and gets more frequent as time goes on, because addiction is progressive.
Light dawns: how to cope when you realize that your loved one is an addict.
Sometimes it doesn't take a lot of thought to recognize that your loved one is an alcoholic. It can come in a blinding flash of insight, say when you've just been in a car crash caused by the addict driving while drunk. Whether it's a sudden or a gradual realization, it's always a big shock to the system.
And then, while you're reeling from that shock, you are forced to rethink your whole life with this person. Once the idea that someone you love is an addict has entered your head, often everything is seen in a new light: the drinking or the drug use seems really obvious, and you feel like kicking yourself for not noticing it before!
Well, try not to feel bad. And resist the temptation to kick yourself. Life is complicated and distracting for everyone, and addicts are extremely good at hiding their behaviour, even from themselves. You gave the addict as much time and care as he or she seemed to need, and that's all anyone can do. We don't come equipped to see inside each other's minds.
If you are a parent or sibling of the addict, you may be feeling an extra helping of guilt, and wondering what you did wrong, or why you got off easy, while your loved one is suffering under the burden of addiction. This is normal, but in fact, you can't change the past, and once the addict is an adult, his or her behaviour is not your responsibility. Doing your best to support your loved one when he or she seeks help is your best move.
People who have newly discovered that their loved one is an addict, nearly always go through a process that's similar to the one the recently bereaved go through. It's the natural way the human mind copes with a big, life-altering change.
The stages are:
These stages can pass in an hour or over a year. It's important to give yourself plenty of time to get used to the idea and to get over the shock. You may feel very upset, or you may feel angry, or you may feel numb.
Try not to be freaked out by feeling upset or angry or numb, or whatever way you feel. Everyone reacts to the shock differently. Expect your feelings to be all over the place for a while, as you get used to the idea, and you won't be as disturbed by the process. Trust that eventually your feelings will calm down. Call or meet with trusted friends and tell them how you feel, in confidence. Read as much as you can about addiction, because knowledge is power. If there is a bright side to the realization that your loved one is an addict, it may be that not only can you now spot addicted behaviour a mile off, but you can now try to help him or her, if he or she seeks help.
What help is available for your loved one?
There's professional help, such as in rehab centres. There's also DIY help, with Twelve Step groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA).These provide a mutually supportive environment for the addict. In my experience, the best option is probably a combination: a spell in rehab followed by regular attendance at AA or NA.
What help is available for you?
Your first port of call should be your friends and your family. There's also Al-Anon, the mutual support group for the friends and family of addicts. This organization runs along the same lines as AA and NA. It's confidential and free. You can find the number in your phone book. Even if you don't plan on regular attendance at Al-Anon, I can strongly recommend that you go to at least one meeting. It's immensely comforting to realize that all these other people are in the same boat. You don't have to go again if it doesn't suit you, but at least you'll have gone once, so you know where it is if you ever want to go again. I think of Al-Anon like I think of the air bags in my car. I never want to have to use them, but it's good to know they're there.
How to persuade your loved one to seek treatment.
The grim truth is, you can't persuade your loved one to seek help. If he or she really wants to drink or drug themselves to death, realistically there is nothing you can do to stop them. All you can do is remind him or her that help exists, and hope that he or she decides to seek it.
Having said that, it's no harm to talk to your doctor about rehab centres, ring up Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA) and ask for literature, or download some off the internet, and have the information ready in case it is required. Leave the literature where your loved one can see it.
More importantly, tell your loved one in private that he or she seems unhappy, and if there's anything he or she wants to talk about, you'll be happy to listen. Tell him or her as gently as you can that no one is perfect, and seeking help isn't a sign of weakness but of strength. Point out that if his or her leg was broken, wouldn't he or she go to hospital to get it taken care of?
It sounds obvious, but be sure to mention that you are not perfect either, that everyone makes mistakes, because the first thing an addict will do is resist the idea that he or she needs help. All addicts have very low self-esteem and being told that he or she needs to change is naturally very painful to them, as it would be to anyone. Making sure to mention your own flaws makes you seem to the addict less like a holier-than-thou lecturer, and more like a sympathetic fellow human being. Remind the addict that you love him or her, and that nothing will change that.
Whether or not the addict listens to you, the single most important thing you can do for an addict is to stop enabling him or her.
What is enabling?
Enabling means inadvertently helping the addict stay addicted. You might have been acting out of love and a desire to help when you lent your loved one money, or bailed them out of jail, or put up with his or her temper tantrums. But although you didn't know it at the time, you were actually making things worse. It sounds harsh, but you have to stop any kind of enabling behaviour on your part cold.
Identifying your own enabling behaviour can take practice. You have to really think about what you do and how you act around your loved one, with one eye on his or her addiction at all times. Keep reminding yourself that the addict's behaviour is his or her own responsibility. Remember that you didn't cause the addiction, you can't cure the addiction, and you can't control the addiction. It's their problem and they have to deal with it.
How to deal with an active addict.
If your loved one is an active addict and shows no signs of seeking help, your best option is to walk away. Cut off contact and cut them out of your life. It sounds awful but it is, without a doubt, the best way to protect yourself from his or her behaviour and to help them see that they have a problem.
Of course, that's easier said than done, especially if they are not just a friend but a family member, perhaps a child or a spouse of yours. You may not have the option or even want to stop seeing him or her. If that's the case, your best bet is to stay in contact, and concentrate on not enabling him or her.
When I first realized that two of my loved ones were addicts, and started reading up on addiction, I heard a lot about "detachment." I thought that it meant living in a separate house from them. But that's not it (although it certainly helps!) Detachment is about living your own life, and allowing your loved one to live theirs. Don't allow your loved one to depend on you. Don't allow yourself to enable him or her. Help him or her to stand on his or her own two feet. It's the only way.
While the addict has been drinking or using, he or she has been cushioned from the results of his or her choices. It is honest of you and helpful for both of you to start giving his or her actions some consequences. If the addict is physically abusive, call the police. If the addict is emotionally abusive, ask yourself if you deserve it (hint: the answer is "No.") and then reduce your exposure to him or her as much as you can. If the addict is disrespectful, demand respect. If you're not sure whether the behaviour of your loved one is reasonable (and after years of being accustomed to the psycho behaviour of an active addict, sometimes it's hard to judge), try this test. Would you be happy to see a friend of yours treated like this?
You may have been conditioned (by the addict, by society's expectations, by your own understandable wish not to deal with your loved one being an addict) into spending more energy looking after the addict than you do looking after yourself. There's an old joke with a lot of truth in it about the friends and family of addicts. It says that when they die, they see the addict's life flashing in front of them, instead of their own. So a big part of detachment is to look to your own life and see if there's anything you can do for yourself. Give yourself some of the time, love, resources, care and attention that the addict has been consuming. It can be a powerful experience.
How to cope with your loved one while they are in treatment.
If your loved one goes into a rehab centre where no visiting is allowed, use the time that they are away to collect your thoughts, attend Al-Anon if you find it helpful, and generally chill out.
If your loved one goes to a rehab centre where the visits of a family member or friend is required for group sessions, that's a different kettle of fish. Both of my loved ones attended this sort of rehab (I think we are now entitled to a family discount :) and while it was incredibly difficult and upsetting at the time, it was one of the most valuable experiences of my life. I'd advise you to go to the sessions. It will be good for your loved one and it will be even better for you! You don't have to perform any special tricks: just show up and talk with your loved one and probably his or her therapist. It's amazing the amount you can learn about your loved one, about addiction, and about yourself.
Whether you can or can't visit, if it is allowed, and if you feel up to it, send your loved one cards or telephone him or her while in rehab. It's very helpful for him or her to be reminded that someone cares.
How to cope with your loved one once they get out of treatment: the joys of early recovery.
When your loved one gets out of rehab, that's when the fun really starts. If you have known him or her while he or she was an active addict, you may soon catch yourself wishing that he or she went back on the junk. At least then, you knew what you were dealing with!
Remember that process of emotional upheaval and re-adjustment you went through when you realized that your loved one was an addict? That's very similar to what he or she is going through, except much much more intensely. Added to which, he or she no longer has his or her favourite coping method, drugs or drink, to help cushion him or her against reality. The days and weeks immediately post-rehab are probably the most painful period of the addict's entire life. While you must not enable him or her by tolerating disrespectful or abusive behaviour, do try to cut him or her some major slack.
While he or she is in early recovery, learning to cope with life without the bottle or the needle, he or she will be a complete and total pain in the ass, and as sensitive and touchy as a hedgehog with sunburn. Early recovery is the period in which the recovering addict has to do all the maturing that he or she has been postponing all these years by being an addict. In fact, there's a theory that if you take the recovering addict's age, and subtract the number of years since he or she took his or her first drink or first drug, you get the "emotional age" of the person. So a thirty year old person who's been drinking for fourteen years, will quite probably act like a sixteen year old. Bearing this in mind can help you be patient when dealing with a recovering addict. While you shouldn't tolerate seriously immature behaviour, it does get better in due course, often quite quickly.
Do your best to be supportive without coming across as bossy. (And remember that an addict in early recovery can think a question like "Would you like some coffee?" is bossy. Don't take it personally.) Remind him or her to avoid getting HALT (hungry, angry, lonely or tired). Simple, practical steps like regular rest, food, and attendance at AA or NA meetings are the most important things for the survival of your loved one through this early period.
If he or she starts feeling ropey, it is much, much better to suggest that he or she get outside help, (such as by going to a meeting, contacting his or her sponsor, or ringing the staff at the rehab centre,) than if you try to counsel him or her youself. You don't have the training or the personal experience that a sponsor, fellow addict, or rehab staff member has, and you are too close to the recovering addict to be objective. Apart from which, managing the recovering addict's moods is his or her own responsibility, and he or she has to learn to source help or mutual support as needed from people in the same situation, rather than relying on you. You are a friend or a family member, you are not the addict's crutch. Do not enable the recovering addict by letting him or her depend on you for emotional rescue. Let him or her call for help and mutual support he or she needs from a sponsor or AA/NA meeting. That's what they are there for.
Apart from that, try to stay well out of his or her way and let him or her get on with it. While there will a major improvement in the addict's mood and behaviour within the first six months, don't expect your loved one to find a truly even keel until he or she has been in recovery for at least two clear years without relapse.
Relapses and how to deal with them.
Relapses are part of recovery. The important thing is not to panic. Remind yourself that this is not the end of the world, and that the addict's behaviour is the addict's responsibility. If the addict has done you harm in the relapse (say, by stealing the rent money to finance a relapse binge), make it clear that his or her actions have consequences (for example, by reporting the theft to the police). Encourage your loved one to call his or her sponsor and/or to go to a meeting. That's really all you can do.
Long term recovery.
Assuming your loved one goes into recovery and survives the difficult early days, you have a good chance to enjoy their company for the foreseeable future. However, an addict can never be cured, their behaviour can only be contained by recovery. Active addiction is only ever one drink or one pill away. Like cancer patients, severe as it sounds, you only know that the treatment worked when they die of natural causes. The best thing to do is take one day at a time.
Emotional fallout and other delights.
One of the problems with having a loved one in early recovery, is that you are so aware that he or she is emotionally delicate that you are, you have to be, careful around them. They are too fragile to cope with frank emotional honesty, or even much in the way of a robust conversation. The children of recovering addicts get a particularly rough deal here. At a time in their lives when they should be receiving parental care, often they are having to do without, or even provide something similar themselves. A big part of supporting a recovering addict is having your own support network, whether it's your own friends and family, Al-Anon, or a combination. You cannot be a good support to a recovering addict if you are not looking after yourself.
Do not expect emotional support from the recovering addict. They are not able to provide it. They may not ever be.
As the addict's recovery progresses, you hopefully will see signs of emotional health and stability appearing in him or her. Having put your own needs and emotions to one side while you supported your loved one through early recovery to the best of your ability, do not be surprised if once the recovering addict seems able to stand on his or her own two feet, suddenly you find feelings emerging that you didn't expect. You may feel rage or contempt or some other uncomfortable emotion flexing its claws.
It's pointless to deny that active addicts often do collossal damage to the people they love. In fact, it's important to acknowledge, even if only to yourself, that it's usually the family and friends of the active addict who bear the brunt of the addict's problem. He or she is insulated by his or her drug of choice from feeling much of anything. You, the friend or family member, are the one who has to cope with the full effects of the harm.
It's also pointless for you to expect emotional reparations from your loved one. It's never going to happen. No matter how brutal or abusive the addict was when active, he or she did not deliberately set out to become an addict. He or she can not go back and change the past. Vent your perfectly natural feelings about having been neglected or abused with your friends, family and Al-Anon group. Even seek professional help from a counsellor if you want. But realize one of the things that you will have to accept about having a friend or family member who is a recovering addict, is that they will never make it up to you. If you cannot accept that, you are better off cutting off all contact with him or her.
If you can accept it, however, you and your recovering loved one can have a new, healthy relationship based on honesty and mutual respect. And that can only be a good thing.