Samantha: What happened?
Mitch: I saved your ass. It was great.

Mitch: The last time I got blown, candy bars cost a nickel.

Timothy: (showing his knife to a woman and her kids) You're about to have 2.4 children.

Mitch: (singing) Putting the keys in my left pocket. Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm. Gun in the right-hand side.
Samantha: It makes a bulge, people can see.
Mitch: Ya want me to stick it in my pants and shoot my damn dick off?
Samantha: Now you're a sharpshooter?

Charly: (to Timothy, who has claimed to be always able to tell when someone is telling the truth, as she and her daughter are about to die) It ain't over. You're going to die screaming... and I'm going to watch. Am I telling the truth?

Caitlin: Mommy, am I gonna die?
Charly: Oh, no, baby, no. You're not going to die. They are.

Mitch: So, you cold?
Charly: Yeah. Freezing.
Mitch: Turn on the heat. It doesn't work, but it makes a very annoying noise -- distracts from the cold.

Charly: I'm leaving the country, Mitch. I need a fake passport and I need money, lots of it.
Mitch: Well why didn't you say so? Hold on a minute while I pull that outta my ass.

Charly: (defiant as she is tortured on the waterwheel) I let you touch me, cowboy. I think I need a bath.

Charly: You couldn't hit a lake if you were standing on the bottom.

Charly: Life is pain. Get used to it.

Hal: I don't smoke, I don't drink and I don't swear. Oh shit. I DO smoke and drink.

Mitch: What I'm saying is, back when we first met, you were all like "Oh phooey, I burned the darn muffins." Now, you go into a bar, ten minutes later, sailors come runnin' out. What up with that?

Charly: They're gonna blow my head off, you know. This is the last time I'll ever be pretty.

Mitch: I never did one thing right in my life, you know that? Not one. That takes skill.

Henchman: Good evening, pretty lady. How 'bout some company?
Charly: No thanks. I'm saving myself 'til I get raped.

Samantha: What, are you a Mormon?
Mitch: Yes, I'm a Mormon. That's why I just smoked a pack of Newport and drank three vodka tonics.

Nathan: Alice, please? Your dog, Alice -- it and my appetite are mutually exclusive.
Alice: Well, what's wrong with the dog?
Nathan: Simple: he's been licking his asshole for the last three straight hours. I submit to you that there is nothing there worth more than an hour's attention and I should think that whatever he is attempting to dislodge, is either gone for good... or there to stay.

Charly: Were you always this stupid, or did you take lessons?
Mitch: I took lessons.

Charly: You thinking what I'm thinking?
Mitch: I hope not, 'cause I'm thinking how much my balls hurt.

Charly: (to Timothy, as he whips out his knife) Oh honey, only four inches?
Timothy: You'll feel me.

Mitch: Everyone knows, when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of "u" and "umption".

Mitch: We jumped out of a building.
Nathan: Yes, it was very exciting. Tomorrow we go to the zoo.

Mitch: I'm always frank and earnest with women. Uh, in New York I'm Frank, and Chicago I'm Ernest.

Charly: Easy, sport. Got myself out of Beirut once, I think I can get out of New Jersey.
Mitch: Yeah, well don't be so sure. Others have tried and failed. The entire population, in fact.

Charly: (after skewering an innocent tomato to the wall with a knife) Chefs do that.

Charly: Die screaming, motherfucker.

Mitch: You foxy bitch.

Henchman over radio: I'm hurt real bad. I think I'm dying.
Timothy: Continue dying. Out.

Charly: Suck my dick, every one of you bastards.

Charly: Goddamn it. You're early. So Perkins wants me dead, huh? What's the rush? Why don't you just go away and come back at midnight? Shoo.
Henchman: Hey, honey, this is a real big fucking gun.
Mitch: This ain't no ham on rye, pal.
Charly: What the hell are you doing?
Mitch: Saving your life. I would have been here sooner, but I was thinkin' up that "ham on rye" line.

Mitch: How did you find us?
Nathan: There may be many reasons not to kill you, but among them is not that you'll be missed by NASA. I found the address in your coat. Here. Between the address of a topless bar, and the picture of what looks like a man's penis.
Mitch: That's a duck, not a dick.

Samantha: It's like I'm in goddamn prison. Do you know how that feels?
Mitch: Yeah. Yeah, I know exactly what that's like. Four years inside. Marion, Illinois. A real shithole. And I'm not going back.

Luke (A.K.A. Daedalus): A woman's face never looks quite so beautiful as when it's distended in pain. Witness the beauty of childbirth.
Samantha: Let me go and I'll make any face you want.

(Charly jumps over a fence with a rifle and surprises Raymond)
Charly: Good morning, Raymond.
Raymond: Good morning, Miss Caine.
Charly: What have we learned about the dangers of smoking? Give it here. (takes a puff) Thanks. Tell anyone you saw me... I'll blow your fucking head off.

(Nathan says that Samantha Caine was a fantasy)
Charly: No. It's not a fantasy. I'm in the goddamn P.T.A.!

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